World of Pink

10 Things I am Grateful for Today

2012-02-02T09:54:00.001-08:00

I wanted to write a post which expreses some of the things that I am grateful for today.

1. I am grateful for truth and the power that it has to change lives, especially my own.
2. I am grateful for family and friends that truly love me and support me in life. I am grateful for those that are willing to have hard conversations with me knowing that they will be life changing. I am grateful for friends that will go dancing with me and let me just have fun. I am grateful for friends that will let me cry to them when life gets hard or I just want to be held. I am grateful for family that has taken me in and loved me.
3. I am grateful for my gym, the Apple Athletic Club. It is kind of my home away from home. I am grateful for amazing personal trainers, Mike Taylor and Josh Reeder. I am grateful for a personal training director who loves the members of the gym and wants the best for each and every member. I am grateful for the classes and instructors of those classes.
4. I am grateful for my roommates. I have grown to love them so much over the last year. A year ago, I didn't really know them at all but yet we all moved in together. They are some of my best friends and I will definitely miss them when I am gone.
5. I am grateful that I am down to 4 months till I move to Seattle. It seems like time is crawling by but then at the same time I think, I was just in Seattle for New Years and January has come and gone already. Holy Buckets.
6. I am grateful for my job. This year has been a tough one with some of my students but I still love them all the same. I love their hugs, funny comments, smiles, and desire to learn. I love their energy.
7. I am grateful for my testimony of the gospel. I have struggled a little in the last few months but have rediscovered my testimony and true foundation upon true principles of the gospel. With that I am grateful for the scriptures and guidance that they give me as well as the power of prayer. I am grateful for the Holy Ghost that leads and guides my life as I live worthy of its still small voice and promptings daily. I am grateful for the Prophet, President Thomas S. Monson, that receives revelation for the church as a whole and teaches us what we need to know. I am grateful for the temple which is truly the House of the Lord. I am grateful that I am able to serve there each week and bless the lives of the patrons that come through its doors. I cannot wait for the day when I will kneel across the altar to be sealed for time and all eternity to the man of my dreams.
8. I am grateful for running. Running for me is such a great release and leaves me feeling great. I have run 5 half marathons and will continue to run. My goal is to run a full marathon one day. I just need to get this extra weight off first.
9. I am grateful for technology such as cell phones and computers and the like that allow me to keep in contact with those I love but that don't live close by. I am grateful for the internet and being able t0 blog and have a blog family out there that cares about me.
10. I am grateful for YOU! I am grateful for whomever you are reading this. I know that you are a child of our Heavenly Father and because He loves you, I am able to love you as well. Thanks for reading my blog. Please leave a comment so that I know that you were here. :)

Christmas in Seattle

2012-01-08T20:22:00.000-08:00

I spent my 17 day Christmas Break in Seattle with Luke and Eileen and their kids. I love them so much. We had so much fun. When I first got there, Thomas and his family were there for his sister Joanna's wedding. I got to baby sit the kids and play with them while Luke and Eileen went to the reception. I love those kids and enjoyed every minute I got to spend with them. I had so much fun this trip. I went downtown with Eileen one of the days and we went to Pike Place and got the most delicious pears and apples that I have ever tasted. While we were walking around downtown, we found a popcorn store that had delicious flavored popcorn. If you know me at all, you know that I love popcorn! We went into Bellevue one of the days and went to Half Price Books. I could spend a lot of money in that store. We also went to Deseret Book, Jo Anns, and Michaels. We also ate some pretty yummy food at the most diverse international food court that I have ever been to. I got to spend some time with my friends Michael and Brandon Price as well as Todd and Austin Kempton. I love those guys a lot. It was awesome getting to spend Christmas with the family and watch them open their presents. The girls were so excited and it was pretty fun to see Eileen's face when she opened her Harry Potter blanket. I also loved hearing Luke play the new piano music that we got him. I love listening to the piano being played. I was also able to have some life altering discussions with Luke. I love discussing things of spiritual nature with Luke. While I was up there, I really sought to find out what I wanted out of life and what I wanted to pursue as far as being a member of the church. I decided that I really, truly want to be a member of the church and life it to its fullest. Luke and I discussed some things that will change my being and truly change my perspective on life and allow true happiness to be a part of it. I am grateful for my knowledge that I have of my Father in Heaven who loves me so much. He has allowed me to experience some challenges that I would consider extremely hard in this lifetime but which I have learned some of my greatest lessons from. I am grateful for my Savior Jesus Christ who has descended below all things so that he might know how to succor me in my times of need and trial. I am learning so much more about him as I turn to him and allow him to work in my life. When I put the Savior first, it seems that everything else falls into place. I am grateful for the scriptures that teach me eternal truths and principles. I have found a new way to study the scriptures to truly apply them to my life and learn from them the best that I can. I have already learned so much that I didn't know and have only read and studied through 1 Nephi 7. I am grateful for the Priesthood holders that I am surrounded by that are worthy to exercise the Power of God in my behalf whenever I need them. I am also grateful for their example to me. It makes me realize more and more the type of man that I want to marry and spend eternity with. I know that President Monson is the Prophet of today and that he receives revelation for the church for our day. I am grateful for that knowledge because it gives me peace in the midst of an unsettling time. I am grateful for the love that God shows me on a daily basis through his tender mercies. I love the gospel and am grateful for my membership in the true church on Earth.

Here are some pictures from my trip to Seattle for Christmas:

This is my friend Michael Price and I.

This is my good friend Brandon Price and I.

These are my friends Todd and Austin Kempton. Todd and I have known each other for a really long time. I love them a lot. It is always so great to hang out with them and spend time with them.

Tell me these aren't the cutest kids you have ever seen?! I love them so much!!

The pink tie I bought for Michael. It is a little big but he will grow into it.

I like this picture. Luke was putting all the candy canes from his stocking around his ears and in his mouth and I wanted to join in on the fun so I added some coming out of his head.

So the Baileys have a tradition that every year they pick a theme and then make pajamas for that theme. This year the theme was reindeers. It was nearly impossible to find reindeer material this year. Eileen and I went to Michaels and bought a cheap pink shirt and then she helped me cut out this adorable reindeer out of felt. I love my shirt!

Eileen with her Harry Potter blanket.

On New Years Eve, Bekah and Ryan came and spent the evening with us. She brought her cricut with her. It was really fun to play with. I cut out my word of the year on it and made these fun sea shells and flowers to go with it.

Here's my word of the year up on my Ocean Wall. I love it!

Oh, and just another note for all of you reading this. I am moving to Seattle this summer, June 1. I am in the process of finishing up my application for my Washington teaching certificate so that I can be applying for jobs up there. I am really hoping to have a teaching job lined up before I move up there but if not, I will be exercising great faith. I know that the Lord strives to bless me when I am obedient to his will and that all things are possible through Him. I am excited for this new journey and what life will bring in Seattle.

And one more thing, I am going to be making my blog private at the end of this week so if you would like to keep reading it, please leave your email address as a comment so that I can allow you to keep reading. Thanks.

Christmas with mixed emotions

2011-12-25T21:36:00.000-08:00

This Christmas was a hard one for me. Not because of the people I spent it with. In fact, I love them more than words can say. It's been so long since I have felt so at ease and so much love and comfort of home. I don't want to leave quite frankly. I love Seattle. I love the city. I really could call this place home. I am going to do everything that I can to land a teaching job up here for next school year. I have fantastic friends that live here that I love visiting and playing with that I want to be a regular part of my life, not just for visiting.

The reason that I call this post Christmas with mixed emotions is because I have always been pretty sure footed in what I believe in. Some things I know but I don't know if I truly "believe." I know there is a God and that He has a son named Jesus Christ who died and atoned for the sins of mankind but I am having a hard time applying that into my everyday life and showing that as something I believe in. I was sitting in church today holding Michael and as he sat on my lap, I felt this surge of love for this baby that I love so much. Then I thought to myself, "why don't I feel that love for my Heavenly Father or Savior?" You'd think I would feel some sort of love for them. I just feel empty. I have had a lot of questions and doubts surface in the last few weeks about things. I haven't had anyone to talk to about them. The more I think about them and dwell on them, the more confused I become about everything. I don't know what the right thing to do is. My mind feels like it is made up and I am going to go one way but my heart feels something different. I'm scared of who I might disappoint if I make certain decisions. I'm scared that I will lose friends if I make certain decisions. (And let's face it, in Idaho Falls, if you aren't Mormon, it's not that easy to meet and make friends in my age group) And because of those two things, I am making myself miserable by continuing to do things that don't bring me joy or happiness anymore. In a book that my counselor gave me to read, it says "Remember that your spiritual beliefs can change over time. Sometimes a spiritual conviction no longer makes sense or feels helpful. Yet, despite these feelings, a person will sometimes continue to attend the services of that tradition because he or she thinks 'it's the right thing to do.' The truth is, if your spiritual tradition is no longer giving you peace and strength, it's okay to reexamine that faith and to change traditions if necessary." I just don't know what to do. I feel like if I leave the church, I am turning my back on so much. There are certain truths that the LDS church has that cannot be found in any other church that I don't want to lose. There are also so called "truths" that I really struggle with that I just can't blindly accept or be okay with anymore. I really just feel confused and faithless.

I think typing this out was more for me then for any of you who might be reading this. I just needed to get it out because today was hard, it was really hard. I just want to feel peace again, not this inner turmoil that I feel. How does it get this way? What did I let go of to get to this point? What do I truly want?

a lesson learned and some thoughts

2011-11-28T22:18:00.000-08:00

Last night I attended a fireside given by Michael McLean. First off, I love him! I love the Forgotten Carols (which I was able to attend tonight with my friend Dustin). He presented his message through song as well as stories. I loved hearing a little more of the background to music I love so dearly. Something that he spoke about struck a chord with me and I would like to share it. He was sharing a story about when his father was asked to speak on Easter a few years ago. He informed us that his father suffers from dementia and was starting to show early signs of it then. His father had 12 minutes to speak. Michael shared with us that for the first 10 minutes, his father spoke about the intelligence of God and how God is all powerful and all knowing and full of light and truth. Micheal related that he was sitting in the congregation thinking to himself, come on dad. This is Easter. This is Jesus's day. You know the cross? His dad then paused and then said...within the final moments of the Savior's life, this all powerful, intelligent God withdrew from His son the Spirit and caused Jesus to cry out, Father, remove this cup from me. Michael then related what his dad said which was so profound to me. He said...it was then at that moment that perhaps the Father was testifying to the world that He has complete faith and trust in His son. He knew that even though His son would feel alone, He would still act according to the plan set before Him. Perhaps, so it is with us. When we feel that we are alone and God has left us, perhaps it is God testifying to the world that He has complete faith and trust in us, to do what is right. Michael's entire message that he shared with us last night is that we are not alone. We are never alone. The Savior doesn't have to be distant and this little speck. He is as close to us and as real to us as we let Him be. I felt the spirit testify of truth to me last night. I just wish that in the moment, I wouldn't feel so alone and I could remember...wherefore didst thou doubt, o ye of little faith....NOT o ye of little faith, wherefore didst thou doubt. Something that impressed me about Michael was in the bearing of his testimony. He said that he used to have a long list of things that he knew were true but now, he just bears pure but strong testimony of Jesus Christ in that He lives. His testimony of the Savior was so strong. I didn't need to know everything else he believes in or knows to be true. I felt all of that through his testimony of the Savior.

Tonight as I sat at the Forgotten Carols, I had many different thoughts flow through my mind. I love the different messages that are presented through the different carols. Tonight, though, the theme that kind of kept flowing through my mind was that I need to find my Savior. The song "Three Kings Found the Lord" has always been one of my favorites. My favorite line is "three kings found the Lord and so can we." I feel like right now the Savior and my Heavenly Father are distant beings to me. I know about them but I don't know them. I don't trust them like I should. Life gets busy but that isn't an excuse I can use. My problem is that I don't really believe in myself. Because I don't believe in myself, it is hard to feel like others believe in me. Because I don't truly love myself, it is difficult to comprehend that they love me infinitely and perfectly despite all of my flaws and imperfections. I want to figure out a way to discover my Savior and to have a real relationship with Him this Christmas season. I want to really come to know who He is and how knowing Him can bless my life. I want to find true joy and peace and happiness this holiday season. I want to find myself. That baby in the manger is why we celebrate Christmas. I was to embrace Him and love Him and allow Him to embrace me and love me too. I know my Savior lives and I know He loves me and is always there. I just want to rediscover that and truly feel that. I don't want to feel distant and like I'm watching things as a spectator. I want to have a personal relationship with Him. I am grateful for the promptings of the Spirit and its gentle nudging and teaching tonight so that I can better myself and become more like my Father in Heaven.

Vulnerability

2011-10-16T17:24:00.000-07:00

Vulnerable: capable of or susceptible to being wounded or hurt

I don't like being hurt. In fact, I actually despise it. I don't really know anyone that enjoys being hurt but some deal with it better than others. Knowingly putting myself out there knowing that I can be hurt involves a huge risk for me. I have done some things this week that have made me vulnerable. I have reached out to a few select people, letting them in a little bit more than previously allowed. I'm really struggling lately with pushing people away that care about me and that I should allow to be there for me. I struggle with having close friends or people that I feel comfortable around or that I feel like I can talk to because then they would have to get to know the real me and I'd have to let them in. I miss my best friend Warren. I hate that our schedules don't allow us to talk for more than like 10 minutes at any given time. Sometimes I just want to call him and cry but he's in class or working or what have you. Our schedules just don't cooperate. If I had money, I would go down on a weekend or something and visit him. But that involves money and I don't have any of that. I miss being close to Luke and Eileen and having them to talk to. I am counting down the days till Christmas break. I'm not one to wish away October and November because it's fall/beginning of winter and while the weather is getting colder, it doesn't dump snow like it does come January. But this year, I'm counting down the days till December 16th. It can't come soon enough. Don't get me wrong, I will still celebrate Thanksgiving wholeheartedly and enjoy the delicious food that comes with but I am just more excited for Christmas. I am excited for the spirit of Christmas and what it means and am SO excited to spend it in Seattle.

Some days, I wonder if I will ever open up fully to another person and truly trust them. I have glimpses of what that could be like because I will start to trust someone or believe in them and their ability to be there for me but something always happens that sets me back and causes me to retreat into my shell. Like some weeks I feel like I am making leeps and bounds with my counselor and then something happens or an appointment is changed or two weeks go by without meeting and we misewell be starting all over. I've resorted to emailing him but now it feels like that is the only way I can really communicate and express what it is that I need to get out. Or sometimes I can open up just a little and talk to a friend or co-worker but then feel like I can't talk to them ever again and avoid them. Then there are the few select friends who know enough about me and my life and that I should be comfortable around but aren't, still. Sometimes I have to hide behind email or text messaging. Sometimes I want to reach out with all that is in me and ask for help or a hug or simple encouragement, etc. but find myself unable to. I am a person who desires physical touch through the form of hugs or the squeeze of the knee, etc. Through physical touch and words of affirmation, I feel love. That's the language I speak. That's one of the things I love most about my best friend Warren. He gives the best hugs and I just don't ever want to let go. I miss hugs, a lot. Sometimes I just need someone to hold me and tell me that everything will be okay.

I need people. I need to stop pushing them away. I find it easy to help bear others burdens and be a listening ear when they need it. People confide in me often and unload. I feel like I have a lot to offer to those around me because I have experienced a lot in my life that enables me to truly empathize. When I have to do that in reverse though, confide and unload to others, share the real me, etc. I fall apart at the seems. I want to be able to do that, desperately. Instead, I find myself small talking about things that don't really matter or getting the other person to talk about themselves instead of me. Will it ever be okay to talk about me? Will I allow others in or will I keep pushing, further and further away, until there is no one left?

Walk with me

2011-10-07T21:44:00.000-07:00

This is kind of how I feel today. I've had different emotions and thoughts and feelings about a lot of things going on in my life. I'm feeling very closed off to people and find myself pushing them all away. I know that we go through things in this life time to help us grow and become more "God like" and that our trials all serve a purpose but sometimes, they are just plain hard. I am trying to constantly fill my life with good things and find the balance with them all. I'm trying to attend more activities in my single's branch, work out at the gym 6 days a week (which means getting up at 5:00am on Thursdays), serving in the temple, staying on top of my callings, etc. I was challenged to read the talk "Of Things that Matter Most" by President Uchtdorf. You can read the talk HERE. I realized that I fill my life with lots of "good" things so that I don't have to deal with what's really going on in my life. If I stay really busy and keep serving those around me, I don't have time for me. Some days just feel like days where I want to cry out to the Savior and say "Walk with me awhile today."

This is my favorite picture of the Savior for so many reasons. I have this picture in a big size hanging over my bed so that I see it daily. I am that sheep. So many times I wander from the path and am lost and scared and alone but every time, the Savior comes and finds me. He rescues me. He embraces me. I just wish I could feel Him more real. Some days, I need to literally feel that Hug from Him. Feeling the Spirit and recognizing its manifestations are definitely important but I am a physical touch person and really feel emotion through touch, whether good or bad. I need that. I crave that. I want that. Why then do I continue to push those that care about me and can offer me that hug, away?

Below is a video highlighting some of the talks from General Conference. The messages were all so well prepared and prayed about. The Spirit was there to help relay the message God wanted me to hear. What message does God want you to hear?

Back to the Real World

2011-08-26T21:56:00.000-07:00

Well, I returned home to Idaho Falls from Seattle on Monday. It was really hard coming back. I cried half the morning after leaving Seattle. When I saw the sign that said Idaho Falls 10 miles, I began to cry all over again. It didn't feel like I was home. I felt like I left home behind. I said a silent prayer in my heart that I would be okay. I got off the highway and pulled into my garage and was quietly sobbing in my car. I walked into my house and into my bedroom and this is what awaited me:

It meant so much to me. One, it told me that my Savior Jesus Christ and my father in Heaven are truly aware of me. They knew how hard it would be for me to come back and someone, yet to be determined, followed a prompting of the spirit and it blessed me life. Two, it reminded me that there are people here in Idaho Falls that do truly care about me as a person and that I am not alone. I'm grateful for my "pink angels."

After unpacking my car, I headed over to my school to start getting things ready for Back to School Night. I had so much to do and so little time to do it in because of meetings and such. It got done though. The faculty at my school are amazing and so warm and caring and made being there all week fantastic. I've loved being there so far. I met a good number of my kids last night and their families and am just so excited and cannot wait for Monday.

Tonight, I met with President Mead, the first counselor in the Idaho Falls Temple Presidency. First off, I love him. He is such an amazing man. His demeanor was so warm and inviting. He said some amazing things to me that I will cherish. I was called and set apart as a temple ordinance worker. I will be working in the temple on Thursday nights from 4:00 till close. I am so blessed to have this opportunity in my life. I love the temple. I love the Spirit that I feel inside those holy walls. I love the peace and comfort and direction I feel when I go there with the right mindset and attitude. I love what the temple means to me and symbolizes to me.

There are some things that I really miss about Seattle. When people ask me what my favorite part was or what I miss the most, it isn't any of the places I went to or things like that. What I loved the most and what I miss the most are the people. With Luke, my absolute favorite things were our gospel discussions. I learned so much about myself and about the gospel and about life in general through the Spirit while we would talk. Luke stretched me. He pushed me outside of my comfort zone at times but it was so good for me and exactly what I needed. With Eileen, I loved our Gray's night (a tradition we still continue). I loved them because they were after we had put the kids to bed and we could just relax and enjoy Gray's together. I also enjoyed talking with her about life because she sees things in a way different than most and I love that about her. I miss Michael. Boy do I miss that baby. I love that little guy so much. We bonded this summer. I hope when I see him next and he is a year old, he'll remember who I am a little. I miss Lily and Arya. I loved tucking them in at night and playing princess games with them and taking them out for "surprises." So in short, yes, I did a lot of fun, amazing things in Seattle and went to a lot of fun, amazing places but that's not what I miss. Yes, I miss city life. Yes, I miss the hustle and bustle. But what I really miss are the people. The people that I love so much. Things change a little when you aren't in the same place living under the same roof. I miss my discussions with Luke. I can't wait to tell him about my week and a little bit about my evening. I miss the time I had to spend with Eileen, although I am loving our Gray's nights still. I can't wait to call Lily next Wednesday and find out how her first day of kindergarten went. They grow up so fast.

Words from the Prophet, President Thomas S. Monson "...what is most important almost always involves the people around us. Often we assume that they must know how much we love them. But we should never assume; we should let them know. We will never regret the kind words spoken or the affection shown. Rather, our regrets will come if such things are omitted from our relationships with those who mean the most to us. Send that note to the friend you’ve been neglecting; give your child a hug; give your parents a hug; say “I love you” more; always express your thanks. Never let a problem to be solved become more important than a person to be loved. Friends move away, children grow up, loved ones pass on. It’s so easy to take others for granted, until that day when they’re gone from our lives and we are left with feelings of “what if” and “if only.” Said author Harriet Beecher Stowe, “The bitterest tears shed over graves are for words left unsaid and deeds left undone.”I love that counsel and am grateful for it. I know I take advantage of those that mean the most to me sometimes and I forget to tell them how much they mean to me. I also know that when I am told "I love you" and know it is heartfelt, it means the world to me. So I would challenge all my blog readers to think about the people in your life that you may be thinking about and send that note, give that hug, say I love you, etc. You will never regret doing that!

Testimony

2011-08-08T00:45:00.000-07:00

I started writing this on Sunday but didn’t finish till Monday:

Today was Fast Sunday. I was debating if I was going to go to the single's branch again or if I was going to go to church with Luke and Eileen. I was debating because I wanted to go to the place that would be best for me to share my testimony if I felt so inclined. For that purpose, I should have gone to the single's branch. It was non stop sharing in the family ward. It was kind of refreshing to attend a family ward though. There's just something about hearing babies cry and laugh, noise all around, etc. In the single's branch, we miss out on all of that. Anyway, after sacrament meeting ended, I thought to myself, I bet in Relief Society there will be a couple of minutes for bearing of testimonies so I'll do it then. Well, during Relief Society, Michael fell dead asleep and I did not want to wake the sleeping baby. There was really only about 3 minutes for testimony bearing anyway. So because I didn't have the opportunity earlier, I would like to take the time now to bear my testimony.

My testimony as of today is as follows. It is pretty simple and has come after many hours of prayer, scripture study, fasting, temple attendance, conversations with others, etc. First and foremost, I know that I have a Savior, Jesus Christ, who lived and died for ME. He loves me infinitely and completely. He experienced all the pain and suffering that I will ever experience in this mortal life. He knows me. As I have gained a deeper understanding of who He was and is and as my relationship with Him becomes more personal, I have come to realize more about who I truly am and my purpose in this mortal life. I know that prophets and apostles exist on the earth today and that God still talks to them and they act as His mouthpiece. I'm grateful for the examples that they are and the lives they live. I just finished reading the April conference Ensign today. There is so much power in the words that were spoken and I know that as I apply the counsel and warnings and teachings that were given, I can and will become more godlike. President Monson is truly the Prophet on Earth today. I have a testimony of prayer. I know that I can turn to my Father in Heaven in prayer and that He listens. I know this because I have had some great conversations with Him lately. Even when we feel like our prayers are hitting the ceiling and bouncing right back down to us, He is there and He is aware. I know that Heavenly Father sends people into our lives when we need them most to help instruct us, uplift us, encourage us and help us grow. I know that Joseph Smith did indeed see God the Father and Jesus Christ and that he received an answer to his prayer via revelation. I know this because the Holy Ghost has testified to me that this is true. God still speaks to us today via revelation if we have a desire to know, are living worthy of the Holy Ghost, and if we are prepared to receive the answer given. The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints is the true church on earth. The Priesthood Power and Authority is found within. I am grateful for worthy Priesthood holders in my life that are able to testify of truths and act as the Lord’s mouthpiece by extending blessings when needed. I am grateful for the knowledge that I have of these truths.

I would encourage any of you that are reading this that may not know these things to pray about them. Contact me and I can get a Book of Mormon sent to you as well as missionaries from our church. This will be the biggest blessing in your life.

Adventures in Vancouver, B.C.

2011-08-07T00:07:00.000-07:00

Last weekend, Luke, Eileen, the kids and I took off to Vancouver, British Columbia for the weekend. When I first got up here (the second time), I had my roommate mail me my passport so that I could go to Canada. Luke asked me what things I wanted to do and I told him one of them was to go to Canada. He said that we should all go. I told Eileen and we all got really excited. A few weekends before, Luke and I went to the DMV so that he could get an enhanced drivers license that would allow him to go to Canada and back. Eileen and I had our passports and we just needed the birth certificates for the kids. Luke was able to work from home that Friday so we were able to take off around 2:30 and head North. We had lots of fun adventures and took a ton of pictures. I'll do my best to recount them all.

Friday:
Friday night we got to our "Corporate Inn" hotel which was really a family run hotel. The family that ran it was really very nice. We had to have a room with a pull out couch bed so that there was room for all of us. Well, we got there and they didn't have any rooms like that available so he went and moved his family around, cleaned our room and then we were able to check in. In the meantime, we took our pizza cal zones into their restaurant and Luke went back and microwaved them all so that we could eat our dinner. It was different eating dinner in a restaurant with food brought from home. It was kind of like we owned the place. The room at the hotel was pretty nice. We had two full beds and the couch pull out bed. Arya slept with me one night and Lily the other. After we ate dinner and got everything unloaded, we decided to take the Sky Train into Chinatown. The Sky Train was pretty fun and the girls loved it. While at Chinatown, we ate some of the yummiest food and just had tons of fun walking around. It was pretty cool. One of the things we ate were these cake type things that had peanut butter on the inside of them. They were so good. There were also ones with Nutella in them that I heard were pretty tasty as well.

Waiting for the sky train. I just love how candid this picture is and how happy and excited we all look.

The Sky Train is approaching!

Entering Chinatown

A lion at the base of the gates into Chinatown.

At the street fair

Yummy dessert things. They were soooo tasty!!

Saturday:
On Saturday, we got up and went to continental breakfast, which was really the owner of the hotel making us sausage, egg, bacon, and toast. It was tasty. We then loaded up the van and headed for Stanley Park. Stanley Park was SO cool!!! There is so much to do there, so much. We started at one of the beaches. We all got our swimsuits on and played in the water. Micheal was having the time of his life playing in the sand. Arya and Lily got to ride in a kayak and they thought it was great. After playing at the beach for a little while, we went and had a little picnic lunch and then went to the water park. We played there for a little while and then went and got changed. From there we went to the aquarium. It was a pretty cool aquarium. There was a sea turtle, lots of fish of all kinds, the standard aquarium animals. There was also an amazon rainforest type thing with butterflies and tropical birds. We went to a Beluga Whale show which was tons of fun. We got seats in the splash zone and at the very end of the show, the whale splashed us all. Lily and Arya were NOT happy about this. It was pretty funny actually. From there we went to the dolphin show (which was nothing like a dolphin show you might see at Sea World). The kids were all hungry and tired. I had both Lily and Michael. Michael was sleepy and cuddly and Lily just wanted me to hold her so that she could see better. From the aquarium, we decided that we needed to go eat dinner somewhere. In the process of finding somewhere to eat dinner, we passed a Safeway and both Eileen and I needed stuff so we decided to park in the parking garage and go get the stuff. They didn't have what I needed or the teething tablets that we were looking for for Michael. As we were leaving the Safeway, we saw a guy in street clothes and two security guards trying to stop a man who had stolen something from the store. The guard in street clothes asked him to come back and the man that had stolen something just took off running. A little ways down the escalator was the bag of stuff that he had thrown to the side. It was just kind of crazy. Who steals something from a grocery store? From there, we were definitely tired. The problem with downtown Vancouver that night though was that there was an International Firework Competition going on so there were people everywhere, easily 500,000 people that had come to watch this show. People were everywhere. We decided to drive away from downtown a little bit and see if we could find somewhere to eat. We drove for quite awhile and were looking for somewhere to eat when Arya decided she needed to go potty. Luke pulled over into a gas station and Eileen took her in to use the bathroom and Luke went in to ask the attendant where food places were. He gave us directions and we headed that way. We passed a street that had pizza, Mexican, Italian, Indian, etc. so we decided to park and go to one of those places. We parked on the corner of the street. The girls wanted pizza so we went and got them their slices first. As Eileen and I were standing on the street, I noticed their were meters to pay depending on where you were parked. I asked Eileen if we needed to pay for parking because all of these other spots were metered. We didn't go check on the car. We just left it where we had parked it and we went and ate at an Indian restaurant. The food was actually pretty good. It was only the second time I had been to an Indian restaurant. The first time was with Marren and Jeff when I was down in Salt Lake one weekend. Afterward, Luke went to buy a whole pizza so that we would have it for Sunday's lunch. As he ran down to order the pizza, Eileen and I had walked to the sidewalk toward the van. I looked up and said to Eileen 'Isn't that your van getting towed?" As soon as we saw the van being loaded up on to the back of the tow truck, Eileen and I took off with the kids to stop the tow truck man. They were towing us because we were parked in a spot that was apparently not a real spot. Eileen ran out into the street and was like Wait! Wait! That's my van. We asked him what we needed to do to not have the van towed. He told us it would be 42 dollars. Eileen asked if she could mail the money somewhere and he was thinking in his head no way lady. He told us we had to pay him on the spot so luckily she had money and was able to do so. As she was paying him, I ran to the pizza place to get Luke and tell him what was going on so that we could get in the van and go. Where the van was parked, there was a little store on the corner. There were a bunch of locals sitting out front that were really nice. They said they walked into the restaurants that were at the top of the block trying to find the owners of the van to tell them to move it. They didn’t come as far down the street as we were. They were like ahh it’s too bad. It’s women and their babies. They shouldn’t tow the van that belongs to women and children. Eileen and I felt bad because the whole reason we didn’t want to eat downtown was because we didn’t want to pay $20 for event parking (because of the fireworks show that was going on). But we were all just grateful that we had the van in our possession and didn’t come out from eating dinner to find the van missing and not a clue where to even start to try and track it down. It’s funny to laugh about now but in the moment, definitely wasn’t as funny. Later that night, Eileen and I ran into a drug store to look for our stuff again while Luke stayed in the van with the kids. As we were going in, there was an ambulance and police car dealing with some sort of emergency and as we were coming out, there were police lights flashing just down the road. We were trying to decide if we felt safe in this city because there were so many police out or if we were scared because there were so many police out. It was a day full of adventures.

Doesn't he just look so happy?! I love this kid a lot.

Lily, not very happy that she got splashed on by the Beluga Whale.

Us watching the dolphin show. I'm holding Michael and Lily.

The Sea Otters

The sign outside the aquarium

Way cool running statue. I had to get a picture by it!

Sunday:

We woke up Sunday and went and had our continental breakfast again. Then we headed for Sacrament Meeting at a nearby church. During church, I looked over the shoulder of the guy in front of me and noticed that he was working on some sort of comic strip. He noticed that I was peaking over and passed me back a book that he had done and that was spiral bound. His comic book was awesome. It was all about his mission experiences in France and Belgium and the different experiences he had starting with the MTC all the way through coming home. I definitely got a few good giggles in. After Sacrament meeting, I talked to him and he was telling me about the next few projects that he was working on, one being an LDS comic book on dating. That should be good. After we left Sacrament meeting, we headed back to the hotel to get changed and then took off to Lynn Canyon. There is a pretty cool suspension bridge there that we walked across a few times as well as a bunch of trails to hike on. We hiked down one area and Luke found a pretty awesome spot to cliff jump from. None of us had our swim suits on or anything but he being a guy was a lot more able to strip down to be able to get into the water. He jumped off the rocks, did some flips, and was just having a blast. It was pretty fun to watch. After we finished hiking, we ate our peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and started our journey for home. We stopped by the temple on our way out of town. It's beautiful. I LOVE the temple! From there, Luke was driving and likes to listen to his books on cd but didn’t have one burned and with him so I volunteered to read to him. I finished his book for him. It was funny for me because I couldn’t pronounce half the names of the characters in the book so Luke had to keep correcting me. I got intrigued by the books though and am now reading through the first one.

Up close of us on the suspension bridge

I went all the way to Canada to find Twin Falls :)

Me with Lily and Arya

All of us. I love this picture!

Luke getting ready to jump off of those rocks.

The temple!

I love the temple!

This was a great trip! We had a lot of fun. There were a lot of memories made. I’m so glad that I was able to spend the weekend with them.

Pioneer Day Sparklers

2011-08-01T13:17:00.000-07:00

Since before the 4th of July, I really wanted to do sparklers. So I was really excited when Luke slyly brought in some boxes of sparklers and suggested that we do them in honor and celebration of Pioneer Day. I was so excited!! Below are some fun pictures that captured the memories of that night.

Luke, me and Blythe posing for the camera with our sparklers

Wingardium Leviosa- I was casting spells with my sparklers

Eileen, me and Blythe being silly for the camera

Blythe making a halo with her sparklers. I think this is such a good picture of her.

Luke getting ready to do pretty much the coolest thing ever.

Luke wrote my name in sparklers. How cool is that? Eileen set the shutter speed on her camera to 15 second and he wrote me name. He not only wrote it but it was backwards across his body in cursive. Crazy huh? I absolutely love this picture. And, it even looks pink!! :)

Post Alley, Gas Works Park and Leavenworth

2011-08-01T12:24:00.000-07:00

Here are some pictures from some of my latest adventures here in Washington. I'll be posting more again soon, especially about my adventures in Canada.

Post Alley:

Post Alley is an alley underneath Pike Place where the gum wall is located. It's a cool little alley.

Me at the gum wall

Eileen and I at the gum wall

Gas Works Park:

Gas Works Park is really cool. If you don't recognize it, there is a scene from "10 Things I Hate about You" that was filmed here. Gas Works park contains remnants of the sole remaining coal gasification plant in the US. The plant operated from 1906 to 1956, and was bought by the City of Seattle for park purposes in 1962. The park opened to the public in 1975.

Gas Works Park

This is Michael and I at Gas Works Park. I absolutely love this picture. This picture captures the essence of our relationship. I love this baby so much and feel like we have really bonded. He is such a cute and happy baby and I love him to pieces.

Leavenworth:

I got to go real tent camping with Luke and Eileen and the kids to this cute little town called Leavenworth. It's a Bavarian village and is so much fun. There are cute little shops, yummy restaurants, a trolley, horse drawn carriages and lots of fun. We got to the campsite Friday night and were in the overflow lot. It smelled bad and was not ideal. We did not want to stay there. So Luke went in and talked to the people and got us out of the site. We called around and around but everyone was full. So, we ended up staying at the campground but in a different site. We roasted hot dogs that were delicious! I made mine into a crab dog. Yummy. Then we roasted marshmallows and had peanut butter smores. I love those! Our Jiffy Pop was kind of a disaster but you live and you learn. The first one we didn't take the paper off so the foil top couldn't rise and it burned. The second one we thought had risen because it filled but it only filled with steam and not popcorn. I was kind of bummed. Oh well. I'll know how to do it better for next time. Below are some pictures from the trip.

All of us with the town in the background. Such a fun town.

Inside a hat shop. I was wearing the flamingo hat. I wanted to buy it and then for Halloween, I could just wear all pink (which wouldn't be hard for me).

Luke and Eileen wearing their Dr. Seuss hats. Aren't they cute?

Ok, so story about this picture. So this was at the arcade. We were playing this basketball game and having all kinds of fun. Luke went first and got like 80 points. I went and got 108 points. I was so excited that I beat him. He went again and took another turn and got 110 points. I was SO mad. I took another turn and got 108 again. I was so frustrated because he beat me by two points. I get frustrated because he's better at me at everything. He beats me at bowling, miniature golfing, Foosball, basketball, etc. I'll find something I am better at than him one day.

My first Seattle Washington Trip

2011-07-14T11:00:00.000-07:00

I came up to Seattle a few weeks ago so that I could run in the Seattle Rock n Roll Half Marathon. I didn't want to make the drive alone if I didn't have to so Hope came up with me. She wanted to visit friends and hang out. It was fun getting to know her better on the drive up. We came up and stayed with Luke and Eileen and their family. I love them a lot. While we were here, Stuart came up for his best friend's wedding so we got to play with him a little bit too. Blythe also lives with Luke and Eileen right now so we got to visit and play with her as well. I'll explain more with each picture.

This was the first place Hope and I went to. This was the sign across the street from the piers and fun shops and stuff like that. It smelled great and the air was full of moisture.

This is a picture out side of Pike Place. This place is really cool. There are all kind of vendors selling fresh fruits, vegetables, fish, clothes, flowers, and all sorts of things. I love this place.

Lavender balls at Pike Place. They smell sooo good. Warren got one and brought it back from his trip to Seattle and I wanted one!

Fresh fruits and vegetables at Pike Place!

Don't you just love the color varieties? My mouth waters just looking at these fruits and vegetables.

Carousel ride down on the pier. I love me a good carousel ride!

This is Hope and I waiting to board the Spirit of Seattle, our harbor cruise. It was a fun little cruise that took us out into the harbor and showed us all the sights and sounds of Seattle from the water.

Picture of the skyline of Seattle from the harbor cruise.

Picture of the Space Needle from the 73rd floor of the Colombia Tower.

From left to right- Hope, Eileen, Blythe and me. The kids are Arya and Lily.

Dempsey, me and Blythe
Dempsey came up from Tacoma to spend the day with all of us. It was so fun to seem him and visit for awhile.

Todd and Austin Kempton and I at lunch. Todd and I are childhood friends. It was so fun meeting up with them and catching up. They're great.

Qwest field- where the Seattle Sounders and Seattle Seahawks play

Anyone that knows me knows how much I love my soccer. I got to go to a Sounders game while I was here. I had amazing seats amongst all the season ticket holders. It was a great game and they won!

The die-hard Sounders section. This is where all the big drummers were and all the noise started from during the game. It was great.

At the base of the Space Needle. It's really tall!

Seattle Washington Temple. I love the temple. I'm grateful that I got to go to the temple while I was there and feel of the peace and comfort found within.

My thick watermelon slice that Luke cut for me the night before my race. All that water kept me hydrated during my race :)

The signs that Blythe and Eileen made me for. Aren't they wonderful?

It was so much fun to have so many people cheering for me as I crossed the finish line! I love all of these people so much!! Couldn't have been happier in that moment.

This is me with my medal after the race. I was so happy to be done with this race. I found out (once I got back to Idaho Falls) that I had three stress fractures in my foot that I had run on. I was a little sore after that run, needless to say.

The painting that Blythe did for me for my ocean wall in my bedroom. She totally surprised me with it. I had seen something she had drawn previously and loved it. I told her I wanted her to paint a picture for my wall. She had never done a canvas painting before. Eileen helped her. I love it! What do you think?!

I absolutely loved my time with Luke and Eileen in Seattle. Upon leaving, I brought the girls back to Pocatello with me so that they could go to Grandma camp. As we were leaving, Luke offered the prayer. As he prayed, I felt this overwhelming spirit of love come across me. I watched as they interacted with their kids and gave them hugs and kisses and was just brought to tears. I loved the Spirit that I felt while at their house, a feeling of belonging and peace and comfort. It was a great trip, so great that as I write this two weeks later, I am back in Seattle with Luke and Eileen for the rest of the summer.

A long update on my life

2011-06-10T19:20:00.000-07:00

Hello everyone. Life gets so crazy busy and I never have time to do things that I want to do, like update my blog! So now that life has slowed down by a millisecond, I figured I would take a few minutes and update everyone.

First, about a month ago, my bestest friend in the world moved to Logan, UT. This was a great thing for him but terrible for me. I cried and cried and cried some more. I HATE not having him 10 minutes away when I need him. I miss his hugs every day. I miss HIM. It's really hard having him 90 minutes away. I went down and visited him for a weekend back in May. We went to the Arts Festival in Salt Lake, hung out with Marren and Jeff and played some games, made ice cream sundaes and went and saw the show "Pirates of the Carribeaners" that our friend Justin was in. The best part was just spending time with and being with Warren. I always knew that he was a special friend and that for me, he's one in a trillion but I never fully realized it until after he moved. He challenges me in ways no one ever has. He doesn't let me shut down or close off to anyone, including him. He pushes me and makes me be better. He understands me. I don't have to explain things to him or tell him how I'm feeling. He just knows. He understands a lot of the pain that I have felt in my life. He loves me for me, the good, the bad, and everything in between. I'm grateful for cell phones and facebook so that we can stay in touch and be updated on each others lives. Sometimes just hearing his voice makes my day better, even if I cry when we hang up. Today happens to be his birthday. Birthday shout out to Warren Bailey!! The following are some pictures from the trip from a few weeks ago.

Driving down to Salt Lake from Logan

I want to see your... (our favorite part of the song :)

This is our good friend Brent Kerby. We met him for lunch at Costa Vida. He just got his book published. Check it out here:

http://www.amazon.com/Gay-Mormons-Latter-day-Experiences-Same-Gender/dp/1461034221/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1307771563&sr=8-1

This was at the Arts Festival in Salt Lake. Love my best friend!

This is Jeffrey and Marren. They are two of my favorite people. I love them both a lot. I enjoy talking to Jeff and hearing his life experiences and perspectives on life. He has helped me in ways he will probably never, ever know. Marren is so Christlike and full of love. She's a great example to me.

This is Warren and I with our friend Justin. He was part of the show.

This is Warren underneath the shopping cart. We were buying stuff to make ice cream sundaes.

Last week, school officially ended for the year. It was a lot harder than I ever could have anticipated. Not only was I just saying bye to my students and their families, some of which have been a part of my life for the last 4 years, I also had to say bye to some of my co-workers whom I became very close to. The last week of school, I was busy packing up curriculum to send to the warehouse, packing up all of my stuff to be moved to Fox Hollow, and battling a migraine like none I have ever experienced. It was awful. A few of my students' parents got together and had all of the kids write letters to me and then put them in a book. It is a priceless treasure that I will keep with me forever. It was really hard to leave Ethel Boyes but I am excited for the road ahead at Fox Hollow. 4th grade will be a fun grade to teach and I'm excited to learn new curriculum and create new traditions over there. I have felt welcomed with open arms. This first week of summer has been a hard one for me. I haven't had anything to wake up for. I miss my 23 students.

For the summer, I'm doing a couple of different things. I'm still working at the YMCA, some days opening, some days working mornings, and some days, my regular night shift. I am also cleaning apartments to make extra money to pay off debt. On the 20th of June, I am heading to Seattle for 7 days. I'm running in the Rock N Roll Half Marathon. I am so excited. Hope is driving up with me and will visit some friends she has up there. Stuart and Bre will be there part of the time as well for Stuart's best friends' wedding. I'm excited because I haven't got to see or talk to Stuart in like two months. Him and Bre were in Ireland for their one year wedding anniversary for a couple of weeks and then he went straight to Morocco for training for the Marines. He just got back this past week. I can't wait to see Luke and Eileen and the kids. I haven't seen them since Christmas. I'll be staying with them in Seattle. I also get to see my friends Todd and Austin while I am there, which I am really excited about. In August, I'll be heading to Minnesota with Mike and Brad and JD and others for Convention for Melaleuca. Also mixed in throughout the summer, I will be going in to school to spend time getting my new classroom ready.

On a different, more personal note, I am kind of struggling right now. I am struggling to know what's truth and what's not. I'm really confused. My relationship with my Heavenly Father and my Savior Jesus Christ is struggling. I've let my focus shift to things that don't really matter. I've been having a really hard time feeling the Spirit and recognizing it in my life lately. Last Sunday was fast Sunday and I thought that if I got up and bore my testimony, it would help me remember what's really important. As I got up there and shared my "testimony," I just felt empty inside. I was saying a bunch of words but there was nothing behind them. Just a few days before that, Mike and Brad came over and gave me a blessing because of my horrendous migraine that I was experiencing. It was effecting everything. As they came over and laid their hands on my head, I was praying with everything inside of me to feel something, anything. In the blessing, Mike said that Heavenly Father was aware of my pain and that He loves me. As he said that, the thought crossed my mind that I know that but I don't "know" that. I haven't fully allowed His love to be made manifest in my life. I haven't fully given myself over. I have a lot of walls up in my life to those around me. I wear a lot of masks to protect myself from getting hurt. I realized that I have walls up toward my Heavenly Father too and the only person it's hurting is me. I just feel like the gap is so great. I do all of the things that I am supposed to do. I go to church and attend my meetings. I do my visiting teaching and actually care about my girls. I go to the temple weekly. I fast once a month and pay my fast offering. I pay my tithing. I read my scriptures and the Ensign. I say my prayers. Why then do I feel so empty inside? Why do I feel like none of it is enough? Why do I feel like I am not enough? The last couple of weeks I have felt so incredibly lonely. I have never in my life spent so many nights crying, hoping and praying for a friend to show up on my door or call my cell phone, just to have it not happen. I always hear stories at church about people who pray for someone to be there for them in their time of need or when they are all alone and someone shows up. I have said that prayer many times, over and over in the last few weeks, just to be left alone and in tears. What's wrong with me? The other day at the gym I was fighting back tears as I was walking on the treadmill. Robby, the Apple's Personal Training Director, came over to me to say hi and ask how I was doing. I almost lost it right there but I held it together. He told me if I ever needed to talk, he was there for me. The next day I went into his office and we talked for about an hour and a half. It was a great conversation. Robby isn't LDS but he is a very strong Christian. He is one of the best people I know and is truly devoted to God. He knows his scriptures better than most LDS people I know. We talked about religion and relationships to God and how they affect us in this lifetime. Some of the things he said really struck a chord within me. I left his office really confused though. There are things that the LDS churches preaches or believes or has said that I don't necessarily agree with. I feel like I believe a lot of what they teach but not everything. I think about leaving the church and going elsewhere but knowing certain things won't exist there, like the priesthood, the temple, Book of Mormon, etc. make me realize that's probably not the answer. I'm just really confused and I feel like Satan has a strong hold on my life. Some days, well most days, I think to myself that it would just be so much better if I was gone from this earth. I wouldn't be in pain anymore...physical, emotional, or spiritual. My life is so unbalanced right now. I feel all alone. My closest friends in town are married people with families of their own to worry about. A lot of my "friends" have their own problems and things to worry about. I'm a burden to those around me. My Bailey family all have each other to worry about. I'm just an added burden to them. I try to reach out to those around me but it is to no avail. I don't know what to do. I don't want to fight and struggle through each day anymore. It's not worth it. I have no energy left. The battle is too hard.

I have been listening to "The Garden" by Michael Mclean. Royce gave it to me yesterday to listen to. I've listened to it twice all the way through already. I cried my way through it the first time. It is an allegory. I relate so much to all of the characters- the seed that doesn't grow, the rock that doesn't feel and the tree that is barren and yearns for so much more. I feel like the seed because I feel stuck. In "The Garden," the seed isn't growing and the plants and flowers and such all around her are. I feel like that. The people around me are flourishing and progressing and making a difference and I am just stuck. My seed isn't doing anything. The rock doesn't feel anymore. I feel that way in that I feel like more of my days are downers than they are uppers. I don't really feel happiness or joy in life anymore. I know I have to change my attitude and choose to feel those things but I just don't. I'm like the tree that yearns to bear fruit and serve it's purpose. I feel that way in longing to be married so that I can be a mother. I want to have a family, a family of my own so badly. I look around me at the 18 and 19 year olds that date for a few months and get engaged and it makes me jealous. Again, I feel like there is something wrong with me. In the musical, the Gardener comes and makes it so the seed can grow, the tree can produce and the rock can feel and not crush those around it. "Hope comes from the one with many names and he's not forgotten yours." Sometimes I feel forgotten or like the Savior doesn't know me or the pain that I have experienced and continue to experience. I know the Savior suffered in Gethsemane and on the cross for me but I don't know how to make it personal. I don't know how to let Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ back into my life. I don't know how to tear my walls down without opening myself up to further pain and anxiety and frustration and disappointment and betrayal. My walls protect me. I find that the people I start to let in are the ones I take things out on the most or close off to quickly again. And if they say or do anything to hurt me, I shut down toward them and don't want to let them back in.

Royce gave me this the other day and I want to share it. It explains me a lot.

"Please Hear What I'm Not Saying"

Don't be fooled by me. Don't be fooled by the face I wear for I wear a mask, a thousand masks, masks that I'm afraid to take off, and none of them is me. Pretending is an art that's second nature with me, but don't be fooled, for God's sake don't be fooled. I give you the impression that I'm secure, that all is sunny and unruffled with me, within as well as without, that confidence is my name and coolness my game, that the water's calm and I'm in command and that I need no one,

but don't believe me. Please don't. My surface may seem smooth but my surface is my mask, ever-varying and ever-concealing. Beneath lies no complacence. Beneath lies confusion, and fear, and aloneness. But I hide this. I don't want anybody to know it. I panic at the thought of my weakness being exposed. That's why I frantically create a mask to hide behind, a nonchalant sophisticated facade, to help me pretend, to shield me from the glance that knows. But such a glance is precisely my salvation, my only hope, and I know it. That is, if it's followed by acceptance, if it's followed by love. It's the only thing that can liberate me from myself, from my own self-built prison walls, from the barriers I so painstakingly erect. It's the only thing that will assure me of what I can't assure myself, that I'm really worth something. But I don't tell you this. I don't dare to, I'm afraid to. I'm afraid your glance will not be followed by acceptance, will not be followed by love. I'm afraid you'll think less of me, that you'll laugh, and your laugh would kill me. I'm afraid that deep-down I'm nothing and that you will see this and reject me. So I play my game, my desperate pretending game, with a facade of assurance without and a trembling child within. So begins the glittering but empty parade of masks, and my life becomes a front. I idly chatter to you in the suave tones of surface talk. I tell you everything that's really nothing, and nothing of what's everything, of what's crying within me. So when I'm going through my routine do not be fooled by what I'm saying. Please listen carefully and try to hear what I'm not saying, what I'd like to be able to say, what for survival I need to say, but what I can't say. I don't like hiding. I don't like playing superficial phony games. I want to stop playing them. I want to be genuine and spontaneous and me but you've got to help me. You've got to hold out your hand even when that's the last thing I seem to want. Only you can wipe away from my eyes the blank stare of the breathing dead. Only you can call me into aliveness. Each time you're kind, and gentle, and encouraging, each time you try to understand because you really care, my heart begins to grow wings-- very small wings, very feeble wings, but wings! With your power to touch me into feeling you can breathe life into me. I want you to know that. I want you to know how important you are to me, how you can be a creator--an honest-to-God creator-- of the person that is me if you choose to.You alone can break down the wall behind which I tremble, you alone can remove my mask, you alone can release me from my shadow-world of panic, from my lonely prison, if you choose to. Please choose to. Do not pass me by. It will not be easy for you. A long conviction of worthlessness builds strong walls. The nearer you approach to me the blinder I may strike back. It's irrational, but despite what the books say about man often I am irrational. I fight against the very thing I cry out for.But I am told that love is stronger than strong walls and in this lies my hope. Please try to beat down those walls with firm hands but with gentle hands for a child is very sensitive. Who am I, you may wonder? I am someone you know very well. For I am every man you meet and I am every woman you meet.

-Charles C. Finn

Phew, that was a long post. I just needed to get some of that out. Feel free to comment with any advice, quotes, scriptures, etc. that have helped you in similar situations or that give you hope and encouragement when life is just really hard.

Too Perfect

2011-05-11T20:35:00.000-07:00

I've been reading a book called Too Perfect, When Being in Control Gets Out of Control. As I read this book, I realized how "messed up" I am because 95% of it applied to me. There were a few paragraphs though that just about summed me up. They are as follows. "If there is a single unifying 'theme' of obsessiveness, it is the desire to eliminate feelings of vulnerability and risk, and to gain instead a sense of safety and security. It stands to reason, then, that trust is one commodity in short supply among obsessives. Trust is a leap of faith that makes us vulnerable-to betrayal, exploitation, incompetence, chance, and the unexpected-a leap that flies in the face of guaranteed fail-safe passage. To protect themselves against the vulnerability of trusting, obsessives tend to be wary. They doubt people's motives, honesty, and reliability. They doubt that others care for them as much as they say they do, and that these people will still care tomorrow. They doubt that their friends or colleagues will do what they say they will at the hour they say they'll do it." When I read this I was like whoa. This is exactly how I am and kind of what I am going through right now. I mean, I know there are some people that "care" about me but do they really. I want to believe that they do but even that is hard. I have no reason to believe that they don't care but it's that vulnerability issue. I want to be safe and secure and I can't be that way if I am relying on someone else. For instance, Monday night was one of the hardest nights for me. I was not in a good place. Luckily, I have an amazing best friend who talked me through everything and made me feel worth something and helped me realize the good in me. The next morning I was bombarded with some things and left feeling 2 cm tall. I was done and just didn't care anymore. Sure, I'd made it through the night but that didn't matter to me at that moment. I texted Warren and just said I'm done. I don't want to fight anymore. Being the amazing friend that he is, he texted some of our mutual friends telling them that I was having a bad day and that at some point throughout the day, to send me a text. Text after text came in. Now, while I know these people cared, (why else would they have sent me the text), I didn't really believe it. Why is it so hard for me to allow others to care about me? I'm an expert at pushing people away. It's because I don't want to be hurt. I've been hurt so much in my life that I just don't want to anymore.

To help with everything going on on Tuesday, Warren posted as his facebook status "Warren Bailey-Chris Van Dam is one of the kindest, most dedicated, and considerate people I have ever met and I am humbled to be able to call her one of my closest friends!"

Christoffer Hansen, Steven Frei and Larry Johnston like this.

Steven Frei commented and said "And... her students and their parents LOVE her. One of those parents works with us and has raved about her."

When I read what he wrote, even though simple, I started bawling. My life is so much better because I know Warren and because he is a part of it. Because I know Warren, I have gotten to meet some other pretty amazing guys- Steve, Toffer, Larry, Brent, Landon, Craig, Brandon, Brian...and I've gotten to become better friends with Jared. I'm so lucky to have these amazing people in my life that I look to for strength and encouragement.

Something else I learned about myself is why I don't let myself cry or show emotion easily. "For many obsessives, control over their emotions is a crucial component of self-control. By their nature, emotions sometimes defy control, and this unruliness disturbs the obsessive. Also, through their extremist lenses, many obsessives unconsciously fear that any show of emotion could lead to their humiliating themselves, devastating someone else, being rejected, or even losing all self-control. For these and other reasons, many obsessives will repress, minimize, disown, or otherwise try to avoid strong emotions altogether." Sometimes I get really frustrated because I can't cry when I feel like I should be able to, like when talking about my past or things that have really hurt me. I get frustrated because I can't be me. I always have that front up to appear that I have everything in control and that life is great. It really wears on a person after awhile.

Anyway, this post was really for me to just get me thoughts out. Thanks for reading it if you stopped in and took the time to.

Welcome To Holland

2011-05-08T18:15:00.001-07:00

A co-worker and friend of mine gave me a story entitled "Welcome to Holland." She gave this to me in the midst of a lot of hardship and trials that I am going through which I feel are getting the best of me. It goes as follows:

Do you ever feel like this about your life? It's like you're planning a vacation to Italy. You're all excited. You get a whole bunch of guidebooks, you learn a few phrases in Italian so you can get around, and then it comes time to pack your backs and you heard for the airport-for Italy. Only when you land, the stewardess says 'Welcome to Holland. You look at one another in disbelief and shock saying 'Holland?' What are you talking about? I signed up for Italy.' But they explain there's been a change of plans and you've landed in Holland, and there you must stay. 'But I don't know anything about Holland. I don't want to stay!' you say. But you do stay. You go out and buy some new guidebooks, you learn some new phrases and you meet people you never knew existed. The important things is that you are not in a filthy, plague-infested slum full of pestilence and famine. You are simply in a different place than you had planned. It's slower paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy, but after you've been there a little while and you have had a chance to catch your breath, you begin to discover that Holland has windmills. Holland has tulips. Holland has Rembrandts. But everyone else you know if busy coming and going from Italy. They're all bragging about what a great time they had there and for the rest of your life, you will say, 'Yes, that's what I had planned.' The pain of that will never, ever go away. You have to accept that pain, because the loss of that dream, the loss of that plan, is a very, very significant loss. But if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't get to Italy, you will never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely dream about Holland. -Carol Turkington

Sometimes life throws curve balls that we aren't expecting. I found out on Thursday that due to budget cuts and boundary changes in my school district, the class that I have been teaching for the last four years will no longer be a class next year. I am being moved to Fox Hollow to teach fourth grade. This will be a good change but it's hard for me. It's hard leaving my students behind. They are my everything. I put my heart and soul into teaching. It is so much more than an 8-4 job for me. I love my students and am invested in them. I feel like I'm leaving a part of me behind with them. In case you don't know, the class I have been teaching is a Spectrum class, grades 1-3. I keep my kids for three years so we get really close. That's why it is especially hard to leave them. Just Tuesday, my kids and I were on the news for National Teacher Day. Click the link below and it will take you to the clip.

http://www.localnews8.com/news/27765923/detail.html

Life is kind of hard right now. I am really, really lonely. I am up against a lot and it's hard. The closest friend that I have ever had just moved to Utah and I have so much fear and anxiety because of that. I worry that he'll forget about me and make other friends and not have time for me anymore, etc. I've never had a friend that gets me and understands me and knows some of the dark parts about me and still loves me. I've cried for three straight days knowing that he was leaving yesterday. I talked to him on the phone this morning and then cried half of today. He's only two hours away so close enough to go visit but the problem is, I have absolutely ZERO extra dollars and can't afford the gas down there. It really sucks. I love him a lot and hate that I can't go to his house whenever I want and get a hug or just be with him.

I've fallen off the bandwagon at the gym. I was doing so well for so long but then when I started having kidney problems, I stopped working out, stopped eating right, etc. because wo is me. I gained basically all the weight back that I had lost. I have had no motivation to get back to the gym because if I can fall so hard and so far once, what's going to stop me again? I'm supposed to be running a half marathon in a week. I don't know if I'll even be able to run a mile by then. Pathetic. I feel like I've let my personal trainer down, I let my Ultimate Loser team down, I let the personal training director down, and I let myself down. It's hard to pick yourself back up after that.

I'm having a really hard time trusting people right now because I don't want to get hurt and I don't want them to walk away from me or walk out on me. I've recently started spending more time with Mike and Takara and Brad which has been really good for me but also scares me a lot. I've opened up to the three of them, more so than 95% of the people in my life. I felt like telling them a little bit about me helped them understand me better and makes it easier for us to work together in building our business and our team through Melaleuca. It also really scares me though because it makes me more vulnerable to them. I'm worried they'll find out more about me and it'll be too much or that I will burden them or bring them down and they'll be done with me. It's hard to because they are all married so when I need a friend, I can't just call them and ask if I can come over or what have you. I feel like I don't belong in any circles these days, that I am just out all alone trying to fight this battle of life. I enjoy the conversations that I have with these guys those because I always leave thinking about what they've said and how it impacts me. I feel like I'm wasting their time though because they have families and things to do and listening to me complain or cry is not high on their priority list.

When talking to Brad the other night, he kept asking me if I knew that the Lord is in control of my life. I like to think that I believe that but it is really hard. It's hard believing that in spite of everything that is going on right now. There are mornings that I don't even want to get out of bed and face the day ahead of me. I've lost all happiness in life. I'm not losing my testimony but I feel like Satan is working really hard on me. I go to the temple every week and that is about the only time I feel any sort of calmness in my life but the last few times I have been to the temple, even then, I felt anxious and worrisome. Sometimes I wonder if it is all worth it. What's the point? I'm sick of hurting. I know everyone goes through different trials and such for a purpose and a reason but when will I catch my break? I am so sick and tired of putting up a front. I hate pretending like I have it all together, like I am a strong person, like I am happy all the time, like I have friends, etc. The truth about me is that I am hurting so badly inside. I want to reach out and tell people that I need their love and support, that I need a friend, that I don't want to be alone on a "family holiday," that I don't have it all together and want a shoulder to cry on, etc. but I'm scared. I'm scared of being rejected and told no. I'm scared of being told that they have their own family and need to spend their time with them. I'm scared of letting people in and letting people get close. I need more than a Sunday friend who cares when they see me but forgets about me the rest of the week. I need to rediscover my purpose in life before life gets the best of me.

Mormon.org Profile

2011-04-06T20:20:00.001-07:00

If you click on this temple icon, it will take you to my Mormon.org profile page. If you are a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints and haven't created a profile, I would encourage you to do so. If you are not a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, I would encourage you to go to this website and check out what there is. There may even be answers to some questions that you might have about the church. You can even request the missionaries be sent to you all from that website! I love the gospel with all of my heart! It's true. If you have any questions, I'd love to answer them for you too!

What if your blessings come from raindrops?

2011-03-29T22:49:00.000-07:00

This was on my friend's blog and I just had to share it. It really touched me. Make sure you have the volume on and that you watch the video in full screen. Let me know what you think after you watch it. Enjoy.

What have I been up to?

2011-03-23T09:02:00.000-07:00

It's been awhile since I've posted. I feel like I don't have anytime to do anything anymore, but in reality, that's not true. I've still been teaching. Love that, most of the time. I started working at the YMCA after Christmas to make some extra money. I am so tired all the time because I close and it makes for long nights. I go right from teaching to the YMCA. It's not something that I really enjoy. And you really don't get paid anything working there.

My personal trainer at the gym introduced me to some Melaleuca products that have been changing my life. Their vitamins and Access bars are AMAZING!! There are Attain bars that tell your brain that you are full so that you don't overeat. The vitamins have a guaranteed absorption rate of 85%. You can try the vitamins for 90 days and if you don't feel an increase of energy and better overall, then you can get all your money back no guarantee. The fiberwise products are so scrumptious and good for you too. The access bars are taken 15 minutes before you work out and put your body into automatic fat burning instead of having to work into it. My workouts and long runs are SO much more effective now. I love the Renew lotion. I have never found a lotion that works as well as this does. Melaleuca has over 350 products. I am currently working on building a business through Melaleuca to make some extra money and have a residual income. If you are even interested in hearing about the products, contact me and I would love to give you a presentation. If you join in March, there is only a $1.00 joiner fee. You will NOT regret being a preferred customer through Melaleuca. Email me at cvandam@vitalityforlife.com and we can set something up. If you aren't in Idaho Falls, we can do the presentation online and over the phone. You do NOT have to live in Idaho Falls to benefit from these amazing products. They ship nationwide. I'd love to tell you more about them.

Last week I celebrated my birthday. It was pretty fun. On my birthday, Warren, Jared, Brian and I went to Orange Leaf and got Frozen Yogurt. Then we galloped across the street and ate Taco Bell. From there, we went to the movies and saw "Red Riding Hood." Not a great movie. Don't waste your money. When I got home, my visiting teacher and friend Chelsie had gotten into my house and because I turned 26 and there are 26 letters of the alphabet, there were 26 ballons, each with different words starting with the different letters of words that describe me. The balloons were hung all around the room and there were streamers (pink of course) and a Happy Birthday sign above my head. As I read what her and Warren had written, I was humbled by how truly grateful I am for amazing people in my life. On Friday, about 20 of us went to Applebees for dinner to celebrate. I truly am blessed to have good people in my life that strengthen and encourage me. Thanks friends for making my birthday day and week special! YOU are the best.

I have been doing the Ultimate Loser at the Apple Athletic Club with Mike Taylor and am currently in the lead. I have just a few more weeks of it. Our final weigh in is on April 6. I have currently lost 11.8 % weight, which to this point is 26.7 pounds. Working out has done great things for my attitude about life and about myself having those natural endorphins again. I am training for a couple of half marathons that I have coming up starting in May. In May, I will be running a half here in town. It's called the MAD Marathon (Make a Difference). In June, I am going to be doing the Rock and Roll Seattle Half Marathon. I am SO excited for that one. I'll be staying with Luke and Eileen and can't wait to see them again. Blythe will also be up there working so I'll get to see her too! In August, I will be running the Top of Utah half in Logan, UT. That was the race I was supposed to run last year but was hit by the car before I had the chance to run it. It'll be great this year! I love running!!!

I have been trying to increase my temple attendance to going once a week. It has made a huge difference in my life to do this as I have made time each week to go. On Friday, it marks five years since I received my endowment. What a HUGE blessing the temple is in my life. I am grateful for the peace and comfort that I feel there. I often go with questions and concerns and very rarely feel like my questions are answered, or answered how I want them to be, but I always leave feeling better and with a better outlook on life. I am grateful for the knowledge that I gain at the temple and the work that I am able to do on behalf of those that have gone on before.

This past Saturday, I went to a devotional with Sister Sheri Dew and Sister Wendy Watson Nelson (Elder Nelson's wife). The title of the Devotional was "Finding Zion in the Midst of Babylon." The spirit spoke directly to my heart through their messages. Sister Watson spoke about finding more holiness in our lives. She challenged all of us to take 3 days, one activity each day, to increase our holiness. It might be in our speech, our interactions with others, through letter writing or email, through what we watch on tv or what we listen to, etc. She said to pay attention to how we feel while doing this. I felt impressed to find myself in the temple more. I need to serve there and spend time there to learn and grow and continue progressing how I want to be right now. Sister Nelson left us with the question "whose agenda are you serving?" Are the activities that I am doing serving my agenda or the Lord's? I have really reflected on this the last couple of days. I am working at the YMCA to make extra money to get out of debt faster. While that is a great goal, I feel like my scripture study and service toward others has declined because of the long hours that I am keeping as well as my shift in focus. I'm in the process of deciding what I should do as far as keeping my job at the Y. Sister Dew spoke about background noise and little distractions. While she was speaking, the talk that Elder Oaks gave titled "Good, Better, Best" came to my mind. I went home and read and re-read and re-listened to that talk all weekend. I feel like there are a lot of good things in my life but I want to truly be serving the Lord and living the Gospel to the fulness of my ability. I want to have both feet in the church, solidifying my testimony and serving 100%. I don't want to be giving 80% in all areas because I'm overworked and spread thin. Sister Dew shared the following scripture with us: Doctrine and Covenants 46: 33 "And you must practise virtue and holiness before me continually. Even so. Amen." This scripture really struck me because it is something that I need to practice. My goal is to become a more holy and virtuous daughter of God. I need to find ways every day to practice this. I am trying to love life more, amidst all of the trials and hardships that I face. I am grateful for the Spirit and the witness that He bears to me.

Sunday night we had a fireside with President Reese who is in our Stake Presidency as well as a recorder at the Idaho Falls Temple. He spoke on making decisions as well as temple experiences. As he was speaking, I again felt the increased desire to attend the temple more and be found in the Lord's house. Something that really impressed me about what President Reese spoke about was his remarks about decision making. He basically shared the message that we expect instant gratification and answers because of the world in which we live in. We have to realize that Heavenly Father wants us to struggle a bit and make decisions that are educated, after we have weighed out the pros and cons and come to a conclusion as to what to do. Then we can take our decision before the Lord. I have found that for me, I take my decision to the Lord and most of the time have to act on it before I get a confirmation or a take another route answer. It shows me though that the Lord trusts me to make decisions but more often than not, stops me if the decision that I made isn't the right one for me. I'm grateful for that trust and power that He gives to me. President Reese ended the fireside by asking us to pray that night and ask the question "Heavenly Father, do you love me?" I was so grateful for that challenge because I have felt an increase of Heavenly Father's love for me since praying and asking that question. I would challenge all of you reading this that if any of you are wondering if Heavenly Father loves you or knows you, that you would pray to Him and ask Him that question. Thej sit and listen to His answer and pay attention to the little blessings in your life that are a witness of His love for you. I promise you that it is there.

I am grateful for how the Lord is working in my life right now. Things aren't easy and I am still faced with making hard decisions and challenging situations and circumstances. But I feel like I am facing them with more hope and optimisim because of my testimony of the gospel and the love that He extends to me. I have embarked on a journey to be a better me. There's no better time than now to do this. I also want Heavenly Father to grant the desires of my heart and I know I need to be doing my part and showing Him that I am ready to receive those blessings. The church is true! I am so excited for General Conference in just over a week. I love hearing the messages from modern day prophets and apostles that are for our time. They speak with love and great concern for our time. I definitely have some questions to take to the feet of them that lead and guide this church and am grateful for the upcoming messages.

Birthday

2011-02-12T14:39:00.000-08:00

So a lot of my friends keep asking me what I want for my birthday. My first thought is, my birthday is over a month away so why are you asking. My second is, it's just another day...no big deal. Anyway, I thought I'd post a couple of things that I want here on my blog, knowing that no one is really reading this anyway. Haha. Or if people are reading, they never comment anymore. Anyway, here are a few things I would love for me birthday:

*Macy's gift card so I can buy more make up.
*I-Tunes gift card so that I can get more music for working out too
*Gift card to IKEA so I can get some fun stuff to decorate my new house
*New seat covers for my car. Mine are old and way too worn.
http://www.beachtrading.com/hasecoprinpi.html
*New steering wheel cover
http://www.beachtrading.com/stwhcoprinpi.html
*Money so that I can pay off credit card debt
*Gift card to Maurice's so that I can get some new spring clothes (once I've dropped the rest of my weight)
*Gift cards to Subway or Jamba Juice, the only two places that I really eat out at.

Well, there you have it! You can stop asking me what I want and I don't have to feel uncomfortable telling you what I want. Hehe :)

Moving, Ultimate Loser and Seminary

2011-02-06T20:24:00.000-08:00

Hey all! So I moved again last week. I moved to my dream house! Ok, not really, but it's close. There's not enough shades of pink to be my dream house and there isn't a wrap around porch. I love my new house though. It's a three bedroom, two full bath house. There are two living rooms, a big kitchen, and a two car garage. Sarah and I get the two car garage and Ann has the master bed/bath. I can't tell you how much I love parking in a garage!!! Our basement is unfinished so right now it is being used for storage. It's huge! There is lots of places for storing things. My bedroom fits all of my furniture and has room to spare! It's awesome. I love my roommates too. Ann is a runner and so we have talked lots about running and the new running store that is opening up in Idaho Falls.

Sarah and I are on the same Ultimate Loser (biggest loser) team at the Apple Athletic Club. There are three teams this time around. I'm in it to win it. I want the free membership and training sessions with Mike. It has felt soooo good to be able to work out again. I forgot how it affects my body and every other aspect of my life! Our team is great and we are going to win the team competitions each week. My goal is to lose at least 4 pounds a week. It is a lot harder this time around because I am working two nights a week at the YMCA and every other Saturday. It makes it difficult to be able to spend 2 hours a time at the gym. I feel like I am always so busy and don't have time to breathe. I guess I like it better that way than with nothing to do. Anyway, if you are in town, give me encouragement and push me to my best. If you are out of town, send me uplifting thoughts and quotes every so often to keep me motivated. I really want to win. There is some intense competition this time around. Tomorrow marks only nine weeks to go till the final weigh in on April 6th. Go green team!

Sorry I have been kind of MIA from the blogging world. There has been a lot going on and a lot of things that I have been working through. I am doing and feeling a lot better. I'm grateful for the priesthood on earth and priesthood blessings. My friend Larry gave me a blessing a few weeks ago and it kind of turned my life around. Some of the things he said are still affecting me and helping me to deal with life and change. I am grateful for worthy men in my life that hold this priesthood and exercise it in my behalf.

Life is going pretty well. I am just busy teaching and getting ready for the 100th day of school and Valentine's Day parties. I just signed up to run a half marathon in May here in town. I am so excited about that! Running brings me so much joy and stress relief. Thanks for your love and support everyone! I wouldn't be where I am without each of you.

I have been teaching the Gospel Doctrine Family History Class. I love teaching the gospel, so much. I love bearing my testimony and encouraging others to be their best self and reach their potential. I have been thinking a lot more about possibly becoming a seminary teacher. The thought has come to my mind quite often in the past and today, it has been on my mind a lot. I think I am going to look into it some more. I have some praying to do but I want to find out more. I love the gospel! I know it's true.

It's been awhile

2011-01-17T07:22:00.000-08:00

Dear blogging friends,

I haven't been on here for awhile. I feel like I don't have any time these days. Since Christmas break, I have gotten a second job working at the front desk of the YMCA. I've been training which has meant a lot of long days. It's a fun job and I get to meet a lot of people. I'm hoping that working this second job helps me get out of debt quicker.

I am moving to a new house at the end of the month. It was a really hard decision to move but it's all in the name of bigger space and saving money. The house is off of Lincoln Road. It has two full bedrooms, three bathrooms, two living rooms, kitchen, laundry room, etc. The downstairs of the house isn't finished so we have lots of storage space which is going to be nice. We also have a two car garage! Score!!

I have decided to do the Biggest Loser at the gym again with Mike as my trainer. I am hoping to win so that I can get 6 months of a gym membership free. I like competition so it'll be a good thing to take control of my life again. I just hope my knee holds up. I'm planning to run a half marathon in May so I'll begin training soon for that. I'm just working my way up to long runs again. So if you see me around, ask me how it's going and give me some encouragement to keep me going.

Thanks for all of your friendships and for being so awesome! You are all great.

The Perfect Heart

2010-12-09T21:01:00.001-08:00

The Perfect Heart

One day a young man was standing in the middle of the town proclaiming that he had the most beautiful heart in the whole valley. A large crowd gathered and they all admired his heart for it was perfect. There was not a mark or a flaw in it. Yes, they all agreed it truly was the most beautiful heart they had ever seen. The young man was very proud and boasted more loudly about his beautiful heart.

Suddenly, an old man appeared at the front of the crowd and said "Why your heart is not nearly as beautiful as mine." The crowd and the young man looked at the old man's heart. It was beating strongly, but full of scars, it had places where pieces had been removed and other pieces put in, but they didn't fit quite right and there were several jagged edges. In fact, in some places there were deep gouges where whole pieces were missing.

The people stared - how can he say his heart is more beautiful, they thought? The young man looked at the old man's heart and saw its state and laughed. "You must be joking," he said. "Compare your heart with mine, mine is perfect and yours is a mess of scars and tears."

"Yes," said the old man, "Yours is perfect looking but I would never trade with you. You see, every scar represents a person to whom I have given my love - I tear out a piece of my heart and give it to them, and often they give me a piece of their heart which fits into the empty place in my heart, but because the pieces aren't exact, I have some rough edges, which I cherish, because they remind me of the love we shared. Sometimes I have given pieces of my heart away, and the other person hasn't returned a piece of his heart to me. These are the empty gouges -- giving love is taking a chance.

Although these gouges are painful, they stay open, reminding me of the love I have for these people too, and I hope someday they may return and fill the space I have waiting. So now do you see what true beauty is?"

The young man stood silently with tears running down his cheeks. He walked up to the old man, reached into his perfect young and beautiful heart, and ripped a piece out. He offered it to the old man with trembling hands. The old man took his offering, placed it in his heart and then took a piece from his old scarred heart and placed it in the wound in the young man's heart. It fit, but not perfectly, as there were some jagged edges. The young man looked at his heart, not perfect anymore but more beautiful than ever, since love from the old man's heart flowed into his. They embraced and walked away side by side.

How sad it must be to go through life with a whole untouched heart.

These are the thoughts of my friend Warren: (I just wanted to share what he wrote because I loved it)

Sometimes we meet people in life who do not know how to give their love to others. We can become frustrated or mournful, enraged or depressed. Befriending these people can lead to broken hearts and broken spirits. It can lead to suicide or just make someone change their entire personality to something different. But if we do not, then how will they learn? There are no classes or books, no teachers or instructors. For some it could take only a matter of days or weeks to learn how to love. For others, however, it could take months or even years. They could go through several friendships without showing or giving their love before they realize exactly how to do it. For most human beings, showing compassion, or showing that you care, is an innate instinct, or an ability with which we are all born with. However, in some people it can lie dormant until the moment that they realize how to do it. Without this ability, things can become very hard for those who are around the person who is dormant. Apathy can lead to a similar, but slightly different, result. Being apathetic about something means you don't care about it. If you are apathetic towards a person, it can be very hurtful and can lead to bad consequences for both sides.

Be a compassionate person. Care about your friends. Show interest in what they do, even if you yourself do not really think it is that interesting. Choose your friends wisely to avoid future emotional pain and discomfort. Never give up on them no matter what happens. All friendships have collisions. A fight or two or three or four. If you're good friends then a couple of big fights shouldn't be enough to tear down the friendship that you have spent so much time on. A friend is someone who matters. They should be one of the most precious things in the world. Having a best friend is even better. But not everyone has that luxury. Be trustworthy. Be available to help in any situation. Often times, your friends are the ones that can help you the most with a problem. Even if you don't think so. By being there for your friends, they will try to be there for you. Go and fix things between a friend that has been neglected. Open your mind to different ways that you can show that you care. Sometimes the way that you think you are showing it, doesn't work, so you have to change. Understand that change is a part of life and don't freak out because a friend is changing. Figure out how they are changing and go from there. If its bad, help them change for the better. If its good, then let them change for goodness sake. Don't settle for second rate effort. You are a person and so are your friends. They all have lives and problems. Just love them and care about them and show them you do. You never know when the last chance may be to talk to a friend. Take it from someone who knows.

Don't ever give up on someone. Be the friend that you know you would like to have.

Gratitude.

2010-11-24T22:47:00.000-08:00

I didn't make it very far on my gratitude posts each day. Life gets so busy. It is hard being a grown up. Some days I just wish I could stay in bed all day. Some days I wish I could just go run around in the snow and then come inside to take a bubble bath to get all warmed up. Some days I don't want to be responsible at all. I don't want to worry about lesson plans, meetings, church activities, professional committees and duties or anything else that I worry about. Some days I just want to say no and have that be enough. Whenever I think those things, I am brought to my remembrance that I am an adult and have a lot of responsibilities, some by choice and some not. I am grateful for this time of year that naturally leads me to reflect on what is most important in my life and who is most important in my life. I don't tell those around me how much I care about them nearly enough. I am going to try and take that opportunity between Thanksgiving and Christmas to let each and every person in my life know how much they mean to me...We'll see how I do.

Gospel

2010-11-04T22:09:00.000-07:00

Today I am grateful for the Plan of Salvation and the knowledge that I have of it. I don't know what I would do without it. Being at the viewing for Garrett tonight just broke my heart. So many people that were there just seemed lost. There were people wailing and utter chaos. No one really knew what was going on. Shelly nearly passed out from exhaustion. There was no spirit there. It was just so different and weird. People there just believed that his life is just over and there's no more. I just can't imagine what Shelly and Marc are going through. My heart goes out to them. I am so grateful for the Plan of Salvation and the knowledge that I have of life after death. I'm also grateful for Stacey and her willingness to support me and allow me to be a part of their lives. Her and Brad are great examples to me and I hope that I can be half the parents that they are. The gospel of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints is real and true.

Joy in the Journey

2010-11-03T21:38:00.000-07:00

President Monson "What is most important almost always involves the people around us. Often we assume that they must know how much we love them. But we should never assume; we should let them know. We will never regret the kind words spoken of the affection shown. Send that note to the friend you've been neglecting; give you child a hug; give your parents a hug; say "I love you" more; always express your thanks. It's so easy to take others for granted, until that day when they're gone from our lives and we are left with feelings of "what if" and "if only." Our realization of what is most important in life goes hand in hand with gratitude for our blessings. If ingratitude be numbered among the serious sins, then gratitude takes its place among the noblest of virtues. May we cherish those we hold dear and express our love to them in word and in deed."

I just want all of you reading this to know that I love you! Today I am grateful for the reminder of the amazing people that I have in my life. I am grateful for President Monson and the words that he speaks and the love that he shares! This was a great message for me to re-read and reflect on. Let us tell those around us how much we love them, before it's too late.

2010-11-02T20:33:00.000-07:00

Today I don't feel like I can be grateful. I'm mad and upset. A 13 year old boy, son of a good friend of mine, was taken from the earth last night. He was killed riding his motorbike home after finishing his chores. It just isn't fair. Why not take someone else from the earth who has lived life and is ready to die? I went and visited with Shelly and her husband today and they are a mess. She kept saying "This is a nightmare. When will I wake up? This isn't really happening. This can't be happening." My heart goes out to them. I hurt so bad. I've been crying all day. I feel sick to my stomach. So thinking of something to be grateful for just doesn't feel right. The only thing I can think is that the whole time I was at Shelly's, people were coming and going, dropping things off and expressing their love to the Thiel family. It is good to know that there are some good people out there that really care about those around them.

Well, it's November

2010-11-01T21:32:00.001-07:00

I am going to try something new this month. I have been feeling really depressed lately. It has been really hard for me because I feel like I'm not myself. I know when to put on a happy face and act like everything is ok and that I have it all together but in reality, I'm not even close. I've been pushing my friends away and not letting them help me or be close to me. I decided that in the month of November, I am going to post each day something that I am grateful for to help me find the positives.

Today, I am grateful for my students. I have two students getting baptized on Saturday and that is all that they can talk about. They are so excited and just can't wait. One of them came into class today with his baptism announcement SO excited and it just made me smile. It really makes the scriptures of childlike faith come to life. My students can really drive me nuts sometimes but 99.9 percent of the time, they are great. I learn so much from them, sometimes more than I think I teach them. I'm reminded to enjoy the simple things in life, like when they find a ladybug or a butterfly and get so excited because it landed on them. They are always making me cards and writing me notes. When I had my knee surgery, they made two big posters with messages and pictures that made me feel so good when I went back to work. I love them a lot and am so grateful to be their teacher! We don't get paid worth anything but what I learn from them and teaching them is blessings enough!

Knee Surgery

2010-10-16T14:59:00.000-07:00

So I had knee surgery yesterday. It went pretty smoothly. I no longer have my meniscus. It was torn and damaged and beyond repair so the doctor removed it completely. I know have bone on bone. I won't be able to run anymore :( I'm going to have to find another release and outlet for the rest of my life. It's pretty sore and painful today. I'm mostly just lying around doing a whole lot of nothing. I'm bored out of my mind but every time I get up on my crutches, I feel dizzy and light headed so then I lay back down. I'm hoping to be back on my feet in the next couple of days. But for now, I am just resting and trying to get some sleep. If any of you are reading this and are bored, feel free to come visit me :)

Time for an update

2010-10-09T12:42:00.000-07:00

I never have time these days to do anything that I actually want to do. I'm so busy with school (work), church, my professional committees and IFEA/IEA responsibilities that I feel like I never stop. I finally put "update blog" on my to do list so it would get done. September has come and gone and we are already over a week into October. Crazy! There's not a whole lot of "new" stuff going on for me, mostly just same old same old. I'm in the process of writing a grant for my classroom. As soon as it is done and I have posted it, I'll let you guys know. Next Friday, the 15th, I'll be having knee surgery again. Hopefully it'll fix the rest of the problems going on inside of there. If you are in Idaho Falls, you should come by and visit me. It gets pretty boring after awhile just laying around in bed. Sorry this post is so short but I have a million and one things to get done this weekend!

Which are you?

2010-09-03T16:51:00.000-07:00

I stole this from my "mom's" blog because I just loved it!

A young woman went to her mother and told her about her life and how things were so hard for her. She did not know how she was going to make it and wanted to give up She was tired of fighting and struggling. It seemed as one problem was solved, a new one arose. Her mother took her to the kitchen. She filled three pots with water and placed each on a high fire. Soon the pots came to boil. In the first she placed carrots, in the second she placed eggs, and in the last she placed ground coffee beans. She let them sit and boil; without saying A word. In about twenty minutes she turned off the burners. She fished the carrots out and placed them in a bowl. She pulled the eggs out and placed them in a bowl. Then she ladled the coffee out and placed it in a bowl. Turning to her daughter, she asked, "Tell me what you see." "Carrots, eggs, and coffee," she replied. Her mother brought her closer and asked her to feel the carrots. She did and noted that they were soft. The mother then asked the daughter to take an egg and break it. After pulling off the shell, she observed the hard-boiled egg. Finally, the mother asked the daughter to sip the coffee. The daughter smiled, as she tasted its rich aroma the daughter then asked, "What does it mean, mother?" Her mother explained that each of these objects had faced the same adversity: boiling water. Each reacted differently. The carrot went in strong, hard, and unrelenting. However, after being subjected to the boiling water, it softened and became weak. The egg had been fragile. Its thin outer shell had protected its liquid interior, but after sitting through the boiling water, its insides became hardened. The ground coffee beans were unique, however. After they were in the boiling water, they had changed the water.

"Which are you?" she asked her daughter. "When adversity knocks on your door, how do you respond?

Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean?

Think of this: Which am I? Am I the carrot that seems strong, but with pain and adversity do I wilt and become soft and lose my strength?

Am I the egg that starts with a malleable heart, but changes with the heat? Did I have a fluid spirit, but after a death, a breakup, a financial hardship or some other trial, have I become hardened and stiff? Does my shell look the same, but on the inside am I bitter and tough with a stiff spirit and hardened heart?

Or am I like the coffee bean? The bean actually changes the hot water, the very circumstance that brings the pain. When the water gets hot, it releases the fragrance and flavor. If you are like the bean, when things are at their worst, you get better and change the situation around you. When the hour is the darkest and trials are their greatest, do you elevate yourself to another level? How do you handle adversity? Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean?

May you have enough happiness to make you sweet, enough trials to make you strong, enough sorrow to keep you human and enough hope to make you happy.

The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the most of everything that comes along their way. The brightest future will always be based on a forgotten past; you can't go forward in life until you let go of your past failures and heartaches.

Feelings

2010-08-31T19:21:00.000-07:00

I really shouldn't be blogging right now but I'm going to anyway. I don't know how I let things get the way they are. I have done things in the last few weeks that I regret but in the heat of the moment, the natural man got the best of me. I've been struggling trying to forgive myself and move on. I have been having trouble falling asleep and staying asleep at night which has made me an emotional wreck. Last night I fell asleep around 9:00ish and was wide awake from 12-3:30ish and then fell back asleep till my alarm went off. The problem is that my body doesn't ever feel rested. I am under a lot of stress with work starting and IFEA things and a retirement banquet I'm helping put on next week and the October In-service and suzy sunshine and my callings in the branch and... I just feel like if one more thing is put on my plate, I might just crash and burn. The doctor wants me to go on anxiety medication but I refuse. Sure I broke out in hives last week and sure, if I eat a big meal it makes me sick, but other than that I am okay, well, mostly okay. I think it is amazing how much our Heavenly Father loves us. He knew that during this time I was going to need a friend to lean on. During this time, a guy named Warren came to FHE and afterward, I face booked him and we chatted and became instant friends. He has been such a strength and support to me and I just love him. He's such a funny guy and makes me laugh and just feel good inside. He has the biggest heart out of anyone I know and gives great hugs too. He even plays with your wee-nus to get your attention-love it :) Anyway, school started again and it's great. I have an AWESOME class this year. We are going to learn so much together and have a great time. I love teaching, in all of its capacities! It brings me such joy to study things out and prepare them in a way for others to learn from. When I am teaching, I feel most natural because I feel like it is what I am meant to do. I cannot wait for the day that I will have a family and can teach my kids the gospel as well as secular knowledge. I anxiously await that day. On Saturday night when I was taking Warren home after a bonfire we had gone to, we started talking about some deep stuff. I think that is what started this sort of slump that I feel like I am in. A lot of emotions and feelings flooded my heart and mind and pain was opened up. I feel like I have dealt with everything but I don't know if you can ever truly deal with it all. It still hurts and tears up my insides. I wanted to tell him when we were talking to stop because it hurt so much but in reality, we weren't even talking about me and what I had gone through. Anyone who knows me knows that I don't deal with confrontation or people upset with me well. Normally, I am resigned to tears because I'd rather die than have a feeling of contention or disappointment, etc. In the last few days, I disappointed my best friends, upset my roommates, and made a parent angry. Needless to say it has been an emotional few days for me. I don't mean to sound like a negative Nancy but that is definitely how I feel. Every time I think to make myself choose happiness or not let things bother me, something else happens. I can't get back on top. I'm trying to change some things about me to be better. I had a friend tell me on Saturday that I suck at communication. It hurt...especially coming from him because I try so hard to communicate with others but I have learned that in order to survive, sometimes it is better to just shut up and not say anything. I found out last week that I guy a dated (most all of last summer) decided to act upon some feelings he has been having and is gay. When I read the post that he "came out with," it just made me sick. Some of you may say, well, things like that happen. I would submit to you...twice? This is the second time that someone I have really cared about and spent a lot of time with has decided that they are guy. The other man that I loved and was to marry decided he just didn't want to be with me anymore. What's wrong with me? Am I really that bad of a person that guys flee to other guys or just flee me? Last night, Ashley and Jessica came over and visited and tried to cheer me up. I love those girls and appreciate them coming over. Sunday night I got to talk to Cameron. He just knows me, inside and out. I am so grateful that he is still such a close friend to me even though he doesn't have Priesthood responsibility over me anymore. To know that I can call on him for anything means the world to me. Sometimes even having the best friends in the world can feel so lonely. I feel so distant from them all. I am pushing them away because I don't want to get hurt. I have so many emotional wounds and scars. I feel like I have bandaged them and every once in awhile that band aid gets ripped from my arm and the wound is wide open. In time, they will all heal and I will feel normal again, I hope. I will truly be me again. In the meantime, I'm sorry to those of you that I have hurt or upset. Thanks for putting up with me.

I have to get it all out

2010-08-22T18:36:00.000-07:00

Today I have been a mess. I am feeling very overwhelmed and kind of lost. I've cried pretty much since church ended. Here's what has been going through my thoughts and mind today.

First, I really miss my friend Cameron. He's the only person that I can really talk to who understands me and knows exactly what I need to hear. I trust him more than anyone. He knows more about me than anyone. For the last 3 years, he has been my home teacher and I got so used to calling on him for everything and anything. Now that I have moved and changed branches, it hasn't been that way. I know I could still call him and he'd do whatever he could to help me out but I just feel so guilty doing that because he doesn't have responsibility over me anymore. I have had a really hard, overwhelming day and I just got off the phone with him. I can be myself. I can cry and let it all out and be honest and just tell him how it is. I don't have that in my new branch. I don't have any guys that I feel comfortable around yet. There isn't anyone that I feel like I could just call up and ask them to come over and give me a blessing if I needed it. It's really hard. I know it takes time but the people I thought that I could trust, I can't.

Second, I'm not really sure what other people see in me. I don't see myself the way others do. I'm just your everyday person trying to live the gospel the best that I know how, serving and loving my brothers and sisters. Most of the time I feel like a failure and that I could have done so much more. Sure, I have some talents like being organized, getting things done (even if it kills me), kind of a natural leader (or someone who can step up and take charge), a planner, etc. but that doesn't make me any more special. We all have talents and gifts that we have been given. I just don't understand why some people think so highly of me.

Third, I've been thinking a lot about families lately. Maybe it is because my roommates talk about their families a lot. Maybe it's because their families come to visit them and they get to play with their nieces and nephews. Maybe it's because they live close enough to go visit often. Whatever the reason, I have been thinking of families a lot. Gina just got a new niece the other day. I remember the day my niece was born and how exciting it was. I remember holding her every day for the year that I lived down there. I remember still crying every time I say good-bye to her, especially when she would give me the silent treatment at the airport because she was mad that I was leaving to come back home. Things are so different now. I'm not sure what I did but my family just doesn't want much to do with me anymore. The present I mailed to Rachel for her birthday came back to me. I called my step-sister twice that day trying to talk to Rachel to tell her happy birthday but wasn't allowed. I wonder if Rachel knows how much I love her and miss her. I miss all of my family. I watch Gina talk to her parents and siblings weekly, sometimes daily, and try to imagine what that would be like because really, I have no idea what that is like. I can't remember the last pleasant conversation that I had with any of them. I just don't understand why they have outcasted me. I cannot wait for the day to start my eternal family. I anxiously await that day. I want nothing more than to be a wife and a mother. I feel that desire within so strong. I can't wait to bring children into the world and to love them no matter what, even if they make decisions that I don't agree with.

Fourth, school starts this week with all it's meetings and such. I am so excited to see my kids again but I am definitely not excited to go back to work. I'm not ready to sit in meetings all week. I'm not ready for summer to be over. I just want to sleep in a few more days. I just want to enjoy summer a little bit longer. I'll get excited because I have to but I'm just not ready. My other three years starting I was really excited and by this time had spent a lot of time in my classroom. It has not been that way this year. I think it is partly to do with all of the budget cuts and the way we are viewed as teachers. People just don't understand what it is really like to be a teacher, especially in this economy with people viewing us in such a negative light. I love my job though. I didn't become a teacher for the money. I became a teacher because I love teaching. I love to instill knowledge into these little minds that I have been entrusted to teach. I love to watch them learn to read and write and do mathematics. I love "playing" with them through our parties and outside activities. Teaching is fulfilling and I can go home at the end of the day knowing that I have made a difference in someone's life. I love my kids.

Fifth, I just want to feel a sense of belonging. I didn't know it would bug me so much to know that people are going out and playing and doing fun things while I sit at home, never even being invited. Even if I couldn't go, to be asked would mean a lot. Things are just a lot different now, not in a bad way, just in a different way. But I do my own thing and have fun doing it, even if it means I have to be by myself. I know I sound like a whiner when I say this but I am more just venting than anything.

Really, I have a good life. I have a great job. I'm healthy for the most part. I have amazing roommates. I have the best friends a girl could ask for. I've realized that when doubt and discouragement enter my life, everything gets blown out of proportion and I start to feel down and my outlook is pretty negative. My friend Kala said it best when she said "Sometimes I wish I didn't care so much. No wait-scratch that. Sometimes I wish others cared as much as I do." That's kind of how I feel right now. I care SO much about the people around me! I care about my friends as if they were my family. It's hard when they just don't seem to care or only am my friend when they need me. But alas, I would do anything for any one of them.

The end.

The Temple and friends

2010-08-08T15:16:00.000-07:00

Me, Hannah and Kimber

Yesterday I had the opportunity to spend a good chunk of the day in the temple. I got to witness the sealing of two of my friends as well as be there with Hannah as she received her endowment. It was such a beautiful day in the temple. I love the temple. I love the feeling that is present in the temple. I love the eternalness of the temple. When I am at the temple, I never want to leave. I just feel at home. The temple is truly the House of God. I cannot wait for the day when I can enter the temple with the man of my dreams that I am madly in love with to be sealed for time and all eternity. It was so fun to be in the temple with Hannah. It has been fun to watch her grow in the gospel from the day she was baptized to yesterday. She's amazing. Her and I have a lot of similarities as far as our families go and not having their support. We understand each other. It's nice to talk to someone that goes through similar things. She is going to be a beautiful bride next weekend and I am so happy for her.

Ethan and Hannah

These summer months have been full of weddings. I am so happy for all of my friends that have gotten married or that will be getting married in the next few weeks. Taylor and Cara Lee got married yesterday and with their marriage came the arrival to town of Gideon and Alyssa, Joe, and Andrew. I had so much fun with them last night. They are hilarious all together! I could just sit and listen and watch Joe and Andrew and laugh and laugh and laugh. I love those guys. It really was awesome to see them all! It seems like just yesterday we were all up at BYU-Idaho together. Time sure flies. So much has changed in all of our lives with marriages, a divorce, broken engagements, graduation, moving all over the United States, to big people jobs. What I love though is that no matter where everyone ends up, the friendship waxes strong.

Gideon, Andrew, Joseph and Taylor
This picture is from 2007.

A mixture of emotions-gratitude, fear, hope, anticipation

2010-08-04T08:56:00.000-07:00

President Monson once said, "Stresses in our lives come regardless of our circumstances. We must deal with them the best we can. But we should not let them get in the way of what is most important—and what is most important almost always involves the people around us. Often we assume that they must know how much we love them. But we should never assume; we should let them know. Wrote William Shakespeare, “They do not love that do not show their love. We will never regret the kind words spoken or the affection shown. Rather, our regrets will come if such things are omitted from our relationships with those who mean the most to us. Send that note to the friend you’ve been neglecting; give your child a hug; give your parents a hug; say “I love you” more; always express your thanks. Never let a problem to be solved become more important than a person to be loved. Friends move away, children grow up, loved ones pass on. It’s so easy to take others for granted, until that day when they’re gone from our lives and we are left with feelings of “what if” and “if only.” Said author Harriet Beecher Stowe, “The bitterest tears shed over graves are for words left unsaid and deeds left undone."

When he shared those words in conference, I remember thinking of all of my friends and people in my life that I don't tell enough how much I appreciate them or value them. I just want to let all of my friends know that I love you. I love you for the service and sacrifice you perform on my behalf. I love you for the tears you let me shed in your presence. I love you because you are my friends even with all of my insecurities and quirks. I love you because you push me to be better than I think I can be. I love you because you are examples to me of what a disciple of Jesus Christ is. I love you because you will come over and hang out with me just so I can talk your ear off. I love you because you will walk around the greenbelt with me to get my mind of things. I love you because you pray for me. I love you because you help me to not feel like the new girl even though I am. I love you because your smiles brighten my day. I love you because you help me remember that everything will be okay, even if in the moment I can't see that. I love you because you listen well and offer great advice. I love you because you will go on drives with me and get snow cones and frozen yogurt with me. I love you because your words of advice and encouragement mean more to me than you will ever know. I love you because you are YOU and because Heavenly Father has placed you in my life to remind me how much He loves me. You all know that I value my friends as family and hold you in such high esteem. I am so grateful for each and every one of you, even if we don't talk regularly, because you have made a difference in my life.

Something that has been a HUGE blessing in my life over the past two weeks has been morning prayers with my roommates. Let me backtrack for a second-prayer for me is the hardest thing to do and the first thing that always seems to go. I can read my scriptures all day long and love it. I can fast, go to the temple, serve others, etc. but praying for me is hard. It's "abstract" in a way. I have a picture that no matter where I live hangs above my bed. It helps me remember my Savior and the sacrifice He committed on my behalf. It's the Savior holding the Lost Sheep and in so many ways, I am that lost sheep. He sought me out by sending two missionaries to my door to teach me the gospel and give me the ultimate blessings in my life. Anyway, prayer is one of those things that isn't tangible. Sometimes I feel that my prayers hit the ceiling and come right back down to me. I just struggle with prayer. Well, I moved in with Brooke and Gina (who are amazing and have been a huge blessing in my life-more on that later) and every morning before the first one of us leaves for work or the gym or whatever, we kneel together and pray. I have felt the Spirit as we have done this and I really think it unifies us. It has helped me to be better and stronger in my personal prayers. It has helped me through my trials and stresses of everyday life. I'm grateful for a Heavenly Father who knows me so personally. He knows what I struggle with and what I need to grow stronger and be the person that He wants me to be.

I titled this blog "A Mixture of emotions-gratitude, fear, hope, anticipation." I have touched on gratitude a bit. Now to the other three. I know that where there is fear, there cannot be faith. Something I am afraid of right now is dating. I'm afraid to get back on the horse because my heart was broken and ripped out of me in such a horrible way. Just when I think I have healed and can move on completely with everything behind me, I find out that he asked two of my best girlfriends out. Really-who does that? That is soo not okay! You do not go after your ex-fiance's best friends, especially when one of them was going to be my maid of honor. Really? Did he not think that they would tell me? Why is he bent on hurting me so badly? Geesh! How do you forgive someone that just keeps hurting you? It's really hard for me to stay positive knowing what things are being said about me and the number of people talking about me. I just want my life back. Part of me wishes that he never would have come into my life. Of course I have learned a ton and have grown in ways that I only could through this experience but that doesn't mean I would want to do it again. What I do know is that when I meet the right guy, it is going to be so much more amazing than anything I ever would have had with Mike. I want to go on dates again. I want to feel normal. I want to meet the person that I will spend eternity with and have children with and that I will spend everyday loving and trying to make happy. I hope for that day. I anticipate that day that I will kneel at the altars of the temple to be sealed for time and all eternity. I know that I will be granted that blessing because my patriarchal blessing says so. If I do what is right and do my part, the Lord will uphold his. I have hope and faith that that blessing will come to pass. In the meantime, I am living the great life. I am training for my first triathlon and my third half marathon of the season. I am living with two amazing girls that make me want to be better and that push me, unknowingly. I feel safe here. I feel at home here. I feel like I belong here. I am part of a great branch that has just accepted me with open arms. They love me and have taken me in as one of their own.

The last of my emotions is anticipation. I am anticipating a lot of things right now. I am anticipating the school year that is before me. Now don't get me wrong-I am enjoying my summer and wish it could be longer but that's just not going to happen and the new school year is fast approaching so...There are a lot of new things that I am going to do this year now that I have gone through the complete cycle of three grades. I have set some goals for myself as well as for my students. I anticipate receiving a calling in my new branch and being able to serve my brothers and sisters there. I anticipate the opportunities for growth that lay ahead of me through trials and hardships that will come my way. Through it all though, I know that the Lord is proud of who I am today. I have come such a long way. I have struggled through so many things but am doing the best that I know how to and all that I have to give is my best.

I love this gospel. It has changed my life. I love the Savior, Jesus Christ. He's my best friend. Even when it feels like no one else is there, I know that He is. He stands with open arms waiting to bless me if I would just turn to him. I am grateful for prayer and the opportunity that it gives to communicate with our Father in Heaven. I am grateful to know that we have a prophet here on earth, President Thomas S. Monson, who is the mouthpiece of the Lord and gives us the modern day revelation that we need for our time. I know that as I follow his counsel, my life is blessed. I know that the temple is the House of the Lord and that it is in there that we can receiving the crowning ordinances of the gospel necessary to return to live with our Father in Heaven. I love the temple and the Spirit that is felt there. In the temple, we become Saviors on Mt.Zion because we are doing something for someone that they can no longer do for themselves. I know that as I serve others and keep the commandments and strive to do my best, the Lord makes up the difference of my short comings. Repentance is real and forgiveness brings such peace. I am grateful for the many blessings that I have in my life because of the gospel. I understand what true everlasting happiness is, not temporary happiness that so many out there in the world feel. I know the scriptures are the word of God and that the Book of Mormon is another Testament of Jesus Christ and that by reading it, we may draw closer to the Savior and learn from the past and feel of the Spirit. I am grateful for my testimony and this knowledge.

If any of you out there are reading this and aren't a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints and would like to know more, leave me a comment. I'd love to share more information with you. You can also go to www.lds.org or www.mormon.org .

A new home, graduation and the Blue Angels

2010-07-27T14:45:00.000-07:00

Sorry that I am so behind in my posting. It's been a crazy few weeks. I got back from vacation and then started packing to move. I moved last week to Ammon. I am living with two of my good friends Brooke and Gina. It's awesome out here. I love these girls. The branch is awesome! It was just a great move and decision all around. I tried to find a picture of just the three of us but I don't have any, which just means that I will have to get on that and get some pictures of us. The picture below is from three summers ago on "Oscar" night, an activity our old branch did.

Me, Brooke, Lisa and Gina
(Lisa used to live in the bedroom I am in a roommate ago)

On Friday, two of my good friends, Mandi Stark and Stacy Pasley, graduated from BYU-Idaho. I was able to go to convocation and commencement. It was absolutely awesome. The speakers were great. The spirit was so strong throughout both ceremonies. Stacy and I have been friends since her apartment adopted me in many years ago. I just love her! She got a job teaching elementary school (2nd grade) in Utah. She'll be so great. I lived with Mandi her first year of college and now she is all grown up and graduated. I am so happy for both of these girls but sad at the same time because they are both leaving me :( It just means more road trips and such throughout the year.

Stacy, me and Mandi at graduation

On Saturday, I went with Kattie Howald (and met up with Josh, Jake and Ashley) to the Blue Angels Show at the Idaho Falls Airport. The show was AMAZING!!! One of the coolest things that I have ever experienced. It was really hot and I was really dehydrated because the drink place ran out of water when Josh and I went to buy drinks but such a great day. There were thousands upon thousands of people there. I am actually surprised that I didn't see more people that I knew. The Blue Angel pilots are pretty much HOT! The spent last week working out at the Apple, which is the gym I go to. Boy are they good looking. It was a great day!

Kattie and I at the show sporting our cool sun-glasses

The six Blue Angels

One of the many cool things they did

Blue Angels flying over head

Things I take for granted

2010-07-12T16:46:00.000-07:00

I have realized on this trip with Kasey that I take a lot of things for granted back home in Idaho Falls. First, I take for granted the strength of the branches/wards/stakes that I have been or are a part of. I go to church with people who are dedicated to the gospel and who love the Lord. There are more than 15 people in Relief Society and visiting teaching is done more than 5% each month. The people I have lived with and will live with live the gospel and share my beliefs and encourage me to be my best. I don't have to worry about boys sleeping over or roommates coming home drunk, etc. I have friends that would do anything for me and aren't superficial or fake. My church leaders love me and care about me as an individual person, not as a masses. I live 10 minutes away from a temple and can go whenever I need to. I have wanted to go to the temple so badly the last week and can't because the closest one from here is a little over 4 hours away, doable as a day trip but definitely not 10 minutes. Idaho Falls has its problems but things are definitely a lot different there. I don't look around and see boys kissing boys or girls kissing girls, people half naked on every street (very immodest), foul language like it's the only language, etc. I'm not saying that stuff doesn't exist in Idaho Falls because it does but it is rampant out here and more often than not, I have felt extremely uncomfortable. I look up to Kasey in so many ways. She has had to stay strong and faithful on her own, without help or support from roommates, church leaders and friends out here. She is such a good example to me and I really look up to her.

On another note, I really miss my kids. I love summer and getting to play and sleep in and get things done that I never have time for during the school year but I miss my students. I've thought about school a lot these last few weeks. I have thought of things I want to change or do differently next year, ways I want to rearrange my classroom, ideas for projects, etc. It's funny because I don't have a family of my own yet so my students become a part of me. I love them and want to see them grow and learn and succeed in life so I find myself thinking, quite often, of ways to be better and do better as their teacher, role model and example. I can't proclaim the gospel to them with my words as a teacher but I can stand as a witness by my example and love. This 2010-2011 school year is going to be great, I can just feel it! Along with that, if any of you have items that have box tops on them, will you please cut them out and save them for me? I'll either come pick them up from you or you can mail them to me! Thanks sooo much.

Blessings that come to those who wait

2010-07-02T08:50:00.000-07:00

I just wanted to write a post about blessings that come when we wait on the Lord. I don't have a lot of patience when it comes to my own life. I have a lot of patience when it comes to working with children or with my friends or what have you but when it comes to my own life, I want things to happen quickly and when I feel they should because I always feel like I know best. Anyway, I had moved out of Callie's house and into the townhouse that Mike and I would be living in when we got married. Little did I know at the time that Mike would end things (in the townhouse of all places so I definitely couldn't stay there). I moved all of my stuff out of the townhouse and into my friend Ashley's garage. I slept in their downstairs basement for a few days, then slept at the Pasley's house for a few nights, then went to Boise for a few nights, and then moved my stuff into Cindy's. I wanted to go back to Callie's but she had turned the downstairs bedrooms into her mini photography studio and just moved forward, not expecting me to need to come back. Anyway, I started looking and looking for a place to call "home" knowing that I in no way wanted to live in an apartment. At the apartment right now, I can hear the couple that I share a wall with expressing their love to each other EVERY NIGHT! It's soooo annoying and obnoxious. I finally had to buy ear plugs so that I can sleep at night. The people below my window smoke so I can't open my window at night because all I smell is smoke. I started looking on Craig's List for places to rent or people looking for a roommate. I asked friends all over Idaho Falls. Nothing was working out. No one was looking for a roommate. I was starting to get really discouraged because I just want a home. I wanted a permanent address. I didn't want to live with creepy people or people I wouldn't get along with. I was hoping whoever I moved in with was outside of the branch boundaries so that I could kind of start over in a new branch with new people and everything. Well, on Wednesday night, my good friend Brooke facebooked me (and then called me Thursday morning) to tell me that one of her roommates would be moving out and that she has a bedroom open in her house. I was SO excited! I love Brooke and Gina so much and am so excited to be roommates with them. The Lord blessed me by waiting on Him and putting my trust in Him, knowing that He knows what is best for me. I will officially be able to be a part of the Foothills Branch. The only downside to Brooke's house is that I will have to leave for work much much earlier than I am used to when I ride my bike because it is about 7 miles to work now one way instead of 4 miles one way. I'll have to take an alternate route of sorts as well because I can't go over Pancherri Bridge on my bike. There's plenty of time this summer to ride out there and map it out to see which way will be best. So after I get home from my trip with Kasey, I will get straight to packing to move again, hopefully for my last time in a long time! I'm excited for this new move and change of scenery and to be in a home again. I can't wait to live with Brooke and Gina and create lots of fun memories!

Friends-too many to post about

2010-06-29T21:57:00.000-07:00

I have been thinking a lot about what is important in my life. One of the most important things in my life are my friends. I am blessed to have some amazing friends. I just want to write about a few of them and tell you why I am so lucky.

The first friend that I have been thinking a lot about lately is my dear friend Kattie Howald, 16 of 21. She is amazing! She has been in Mongolia serving a mission for the last 18 months. She finally got home a little while ago but has been in Missouri. Well, she is now finally in Idaho and I'm not. I am counting down the days till I can see her and give her a huge hug and just catch up on everything. We talk quite frequently and I cherish those conversations! She is one of my best friends. She "gets" me. Our lives are sooo similar even though we grew up in two totally different lifestyles. I learn so much from her and being her friend makes me want to be better! She inspires me to be my best. She teaches me about charity and love for the Lord. She serves with 110% of herself everyday! She helps me overcome adversity with cheerfulness. She knows who she is and what she stands for and isn't willing to compromise that no matter what. I absolutely love this girl and cannot wait till we can finally be in not only the same country but the same state and city!!!

Another friend I want to talk about is Ashley. I don't really remember exactly how we became friends but it was kind of like one day we weren't, the next day we were! We have so many great memories. One of my favorites is "assume the position" as we drool over Bob. When we watch the Biggest Loser, our brains become one. We think the same things and speak them at the same time! It's really quite comical and I really can't imagine watching that show with anyone else. Ashley is someone I love because she would do anything for anyone. For instance, the night my engagement was called off, she helped me move all of my stuff (along with countless others) but wanted me to feel at home and comfortable so she turned her laundry room into a pink bedroom. She was the first person I called when everything happened and skipped a meeting to come be with me. She helps me keep my goals and pushes me to be better. I am so grateful for her in my life! I can't imagine Idaho Falls without her.

A third friend I want to write about is Kasey. Kasey and I go back to college days! We were roommates our last year of college but had been in the ward together much longer. I love Kasey for a number of reasons. She isn't afraid to tell you how it is. She is blunt in a great way. She's not afraid of doing hard things. I look up to her in so many ways. She is finishing her masters degree in San Luis Obispo. There are very few members of the church here let alone single members yet she stays strong and does what she knows is right. I really admire her for that. I take for granted the fact that at home, I am surrounded by good LDS people that I could all upon in a matter of minutes to help me with whatever or to offer a priesthood blessing, etc. Life here in SLO just isn't like that. I love her because she is active and wants to make a change in this world by helping children become active and not become obese. I know that whatever Kasey puts her mind to she will accomplish. I don't get to spend much time with her because we live about 14 hours away but when we do get to spend a weekend together here and there or a visit once in awhile or 3 weeks, etc. we make the most of it and things just pick back up right where we left them! She doesn't let me give up on myself or situations that I am going through. She believes in me and that means the world to me. I love this girl and am going to be sad when I have to say good bye again.

Another friend that means the world to me is Cameron. He is one of my best guy friends in the world. I have known him about 3 years. He has a way of "influencing" my life. I often go to him for advice in different situations and things and for some reason, really listen to him. When he tells me he doesn't like an idea I have or what have you, it bothers me and more often than not, normally doesn't end up happening. I trust him completely. He would never do anything to hurt anyone. His heart is huge! He serves in his callings with everything that he has and then some. Some of my favorite memories are from planning huge Halloween parties/dances with him and then when it was all said and done, falling asleep under a huge pile of balloons because extreme exhaustion had set in. I love just sitting and talking to him while he plays the guitar, especially when he plays songs about the color pink. He was a great Santa for my students as well as the Christmas before when Santa somehow knew I would be in Shelley, Idaho for Christmas and that I love pink things! He reassures me that things will always work out and that I need to have faith and trust in the Lord amidst hard times. He's someone that loves me for me, despite my faults and imperfections. I love this kid.

Stacy is another friend of mine that I want to write about. She and I go back to college as well. Her apartment and mine were FHE sisters and they literally took me under their wings. Stacy is the most kind, compassionate person I know. She has a heart of gold. She loves with open arms and wants the best for everyone. She is going to be an elementary school teacher, teaching 2nd grade and is absolutely going to be the best teacher ever! She will love and care for her students so much. She is an example to me of enduring adversity and trials with faith and hope for the future. She has helped me immensely through the last few months because she understands and gets how I am feeling. She (and her family) have taught me and showed me what I want in a future family. They have all just taken me in and accepted me and love me. Her mom is a strength in my life and I love being able to just talk to her and listen to her wisdom and advice. I'm sad that Stacy's job is in Utah but excited because it just means I'll have to travel down there more often.

Another friend of mine is Mandi. I lived with her her entire first year of college and now she is graduating in a few weeks. I can't believe it. I enjoy the time we get to spend together because we laugh and have a great time. She is a strong person that has been through a lot in life. She does what is right even when there is opposition. She teaches me so many things and I love the memories that we share. I am so excited for her to be graduating and done with school but am absolutely bummed that it means she will no longer be a half hour away but more like 14 hours away. I know that she will be a friend for life, even if we don't get to talk and hang out all the time.

As you can see just from the list above, I have some of the greatest friends a girl could ask for. Heavenly Father has really blessed me to have amazing people in my life to help me become stronger and the person that He needs me to be. I have an amazing support system and just love them all to pieces. I wish I could write about each and every friend that I have and what they mean to me in my life but that would take forever. I am going to write a few more short snip its. If you aren't personally recognized on here, please don't take it personally.

Mark and Morgan- they have become two really great friends of mine this year. A few memories- cell phone shopping and buying, car shopping and buying, playing the Wii, shooting guns, dinner at Red Robin, "don't be a negative Nancy. Be a positive Patty." Texting at all hours of the day and night, and much, much more. I love these two because they are simply just great!

Gina-She is genuine. She loves her friends and the people that she serves. She is super duper fun to be around. I love spending time with her because I am always happy when I am with her. She looks out for her friends and has their back. She is family oriented and would do anything for any one of her family members. The connection she has with her family makes me excited for the day when I am part of an eternal family. She checks up on me to make sure I am doing ok and to just say hi. She's great and I love her!

Kala- she is my friend Gideon's sister. I find a lot of strength and comfort through her blog. I wish we lived a little closer so that I could go and just hang out with her. She's amazing!

Gideon and Alyssa-read my prior blog about Boise and you'll read about them

everyone else- I love you and am grateful for your influence in my life. If you want me to write specifically what I love about you, leave me a comment and I will! There are just a lot of you and so many memories to put down into words. I've already been working on this post for a little over an hour! Thanks for being my friends and loving me for me! You all mean the world to me. Life without you just would not be the same!

Boise Half Marathon

2010-06-28T19:51:00.000-07:00

All week I have been telling myself that I need to update my blog about my race from last Saturday, June 19th but I have just not gotten around to it. Anyway, here goes. I left for Boise on Friday, June 18th. I went to the See Jane Run store to pick up my race packet and goodies and then I head to the Mizuno bus to get my gait analyzed (well, really to get the free shirt and shoes :). While I was waiting in line, I met to fantastic ladies named Naomi and Tracie from Arizona. They were awesome and we became instant friends. We went and had pasta dinner Friday night at the See Jane Run store and then walked back to the hotel. We just had a great time chatting and I learned so much from them about half marathons and triathlons and all kinds of stuff. On Saturday, I woke up and walked from the hotel to Julia Davis Park where I kept hearing this horrendous noise (thinking that it was a bull horn or something to attract the runners). I found out later that it was a bird at the zoo. Kind of funny. Anyway, I ran the race in 70+degree temperatures, much hotter than I had ever run in before. I was bib #424. This race was actually 13.25 miles. My stats were as follows : I ran the race in 2 hours 42 minutes and 43 seconds. That time is a little slower than my first race time wise except that this race was a little longer than the first one. I started to cramp in my calf in my right leg really badly around mile 10 and wasn't sure if I was going to finish or not. It really hurt but I ran through it. As I was coming down the home stretch, Tracie ran over to me and pushed me to finish strong. I was so grateful for her running that home stretch with me. It is amazing to me how much an extra month of training benefited me. I wasn't sore like I was after my first race. I was able to walk around and do things. I felt great. I was about 20 pounds lighter at that race from my Ogden race and it made such a difference. My weight is continuing to go down as I continue to work hard and watch what I eat. It is a daily struggle but I am learning constantly how to make good choices about what I put into my body.

While in Boise, I walked around the temple grounds (after getting very lost), ran a half marathon, I went to the zoo, visited the capital, walked a couple of miles with Tracie and Naomi to get TCBY yogurt, and hung out with Gideon and Alyssa! It was such a great weekend and I am SO glad that I was up there!

Boise Idaho Temple
So I got really, really lost in Boise and ended up at the temple. I guess if you are going to get lost, ending up at the temple is a good thing. I had asked my friend Cameron if I could borrow his GPS because I was afraid of getting lost but he got the message too late. Oh well. I survived after a few tears were shed. My cell phone had died so I couldn't look up any directions or call anyone. I stopped in at a gas station to ask directions and am pretty sure I witnessed a drug deal so I got back in my car and kept driving. Darn one way streets and such.
The entrance to Julia Davis Park
This beautiful park was created thanks to a donation of 43 acres of land in 1907 by Thomas Davis as a memorial to his beloved wife, Julia.

Naomi, Tracie and I after the run
You can read about them above! I really hope I see them around some of my other races. They are great!

Giraffes at the zoo
I decided while I was at the zoo that it would be such a perfect place to go on a date. I love the zoo and all of the animals and you are outside. How much more fun can you get?
The Capitol building
I figure that since I teach elementary school in the state of Idaho and am an Idaho resident, I should visit the capitol. It was pretty cool!

Me, Alyssa and Gideon
They are the best friends a girl could ask for! Alyssa is so talented and amazing at what she does. That whole weekend she photographed a wedding and reception and was so tired but still made time to spend with me. Gideon is just Gideon and he is amazing. They gave me a lot to think about in light of a current situation of mine. I'm grateful for their insight and questioning. I love them!

Boise, Idaho

2010-06-17T19:20:00.001-07:00

Tomorrow I am leaving for Boise, Idaho for my second half marathon of the season. I am kind of nervous for this one because my legs have been really stiff and sore this week and I have probably worked out too hard and too much this week. It'll be fun though. I'm excited for the warmer weather and sunshine, something we don't know about here in Idaho Falls. The race that I am running in is called "See Jane Run- I run for chocolate and champagne." It's funny because I definitely don't run for either but gotta love it. This race is run by all women which is kind of fun. I'm excited to take off tomorrow and spend the weekend in Boise. I've only been to Boise one other time back in April so it'll be fun to be there for a few days. I'll blog about my race after it's over! Stay tuned!

Summer 2010

2010-06-13T20:27:00.000-07:00

Well, it is officially summer break! YAY!!! I really needed a break and some time for me. So far this summer (which has only been a week) I bought a new car, started swimming, and went to the Farmer's Market. Okay, back to the car. On Monday, my friend Mark and I went to Teton Toyota here in Idaho Falls. I test drove a few different cars. I ended up with a white 2009 Toyota Corolla. I'm still trying to love it like I loved my 4runner. I don't love it yet. I traded down though to save money and try to get out of debt sometime this lifetime. I cut my car payment in half which will be so nice. I also get a ton better gas mileage which will also be nice. I had automatic locks, cruise control and an automatic start installed on Thursday/Friday. It's the new pinkgrl. I'm sure I'll love it more as I'm able to pay debt off quicker because of it.

This coming weekend, I am heading to Boise to run my second half marathon of the year. It's the See Jane Run half marathon. I'm excited to get out of town and run again. I'm going to meet up at some point with two of the most awesome people in the world, Gideon and Alyssa Tolman. That's most of the reason why I am excited to be going up there- because I get to see them.

I will come home from Boise and be in Idaho Falls for a few days and then head to California with one of my best friends Kasey. I will spend three whole weeks with her. I am SO excited. I haven't seen her in over a year and this visit is long overdue. We are going to have a great time. We are going to go to Disneyland, go to San Fransisco, Santa Cruz, and much much more. We will do some hiking, go for some runs, and just hang out. I seriously can't wait!!

I will come back from California on July 15th, just in time to hang out with another best friend of mine Mandi before she graduates the next weekend. I lived with her during her first year of college and now she is graduating. It's hard to believe. She is all grown up. I am so proud of her! My good friend Stacy is also graduating then and I'm so excited for her and hopes that she gets a teaching job in a good district. She is going to make a great teacher!

On August 6th, a good friend Jessica is graduating from ISU as a PA (Physician's Assistant). I am so proud of her and her accomplishments! We will definitely be celebrating and having a party for her that weekend. She is such an example to me.

In August, I will be doing a triathlon sprint as well as another half marathon. On August 21st, I will be doing the Rush Triathlon in Rexburg, Idaho. I will be doing the Sprint distance which is a 1/2 mile swim, 14.2 mile bike ride, and a 3.1 mile run. I'm pretty excited for it. I've started swimming at the gym to get in shape for the swim. On August 28th, I will be running a third half marathon in Logan, Utah. It is the Top of Utah half marathon. I've heard great things about this run and am very excited!

Currently, I am still training at the Apple Athletic Club with my trainer Mike Taylor. He is someone who pushes me when I don't think I have anything left in me. He encourages me to do my best and set attainable goals so that I can look and see the progress that I have made. I have come a long way in the last year. I lost a bunch of weight, gained some back while dating/being engaged and then not, and am now on the downward hill again. It's not easy. Everyday it is a battle for me with the choices I am making. I have to choose to be healthy and eat those things that I know are good for my body and will give me the strength that I need to accomplish my goals. I have to choose to go run or go to the gym and workout. I still have about 40 pounds to go until I will be at my goal weight. I'm hoping by September 1st to have it all off. I know I can do it. Something that I have learned about myself is that I can do hard things! This is a hard thing but I want to take control over my body and be healthy and have a healthy BMI. I want to live a long life and be around for my children and grandchildren.

I'm excited for my summer full of adventures and training and races. It's going to be great!

Leaving the past behind

2010-06-06T20:08:00.000-07:00

My friend Dani Lewis (who was one of my co-counselors last year at EFY) shared a talk by Elder Jeffrey R. Holland entitled Remember Lot's Wife with me. I have read and reread it last night and today. The following paragraph really stood out to me.

"I plead with you not to dwell on days now gone, nor to yearn vainly for yesterdays, however good those yesterdays may have been. The past is to be learned from but not lived in. We look back to claim the embers from glowing experiences but not the ashes. And when we have learned what we need to learn and have brought with us the best that we have experienced, then we look ahead, we remember that faith is always pointed toward the future. Faith always has to do with blessings and truths and events that will yet be efficacious in our lives. So a more theological way to talk about Lot’s wife is to say that she did not have faith. She doubted the Lord’s ability to give her something better than she already had. Apparently she thought—fatally, as it turned out—that nothing that lay ahead could possibly be as good as those moments she was leaving behind."

I read that and was struck. I feel like I am a little like Lot's wife in that I am looking back trying to cling to what was once good instead of letting go, learning, and moving forward, trusting that the Lord does have something better to give me than what I already have. I'm having a hard time having faith and trusting in the Lord for what's to come in my future or even in what's to come tomorrow. I'm not the person who I feel like I should be. I feel like things in my life are complacent right now. I'm not progressing spiritually how I want to be. I'm not emotionally strong. I don't see where I am at or where I have come from in the way that others seem to see. I'm trying to be the best person I can be and grow in ways that seem fitting for me. I get frustrated when I try to give 110% in my endeavors but it only seems like I am giving 20%. My best and hardest just doesn't seem adequate these days.

Emotions

2010-06-05T19:43:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I just get so stinking overwhelmed with life and everything involved. I just want to be me again. The times that I am most happy these days seem to be when I am working out or training for my half marathons or triathlon. I cracked a joke saying that I am going to become like a real contestant from the Biggest Loser and start spending 6-8 hours a day at the gym now that school is out. It's more of a home to me than anywhere else. I have so many mixed emotions and feelings and I just feel like a ton of bricks is upon me. I don't know what the right decisions are to make. Should I stay or should I go? Should I start a war or leave it be? Do I commit or not? I'm really messed up now after everything that I've been through recently. I feel like I can't commit to anything because the last big commitment that I was making blew up in my face. I'm scared and anxious and full of fear of the future all at the same time. I fear like I am lacking so much faith and trust in the Lord. I just want to be over it all. I could go on and on but thinking about all of the trials that I am going through, I am so grateful for my friends that mean so much to me. I have some of the greatest friends in the world who really care about me and would do anything for me. I really wouldn't be who I am without them. My perspective on life is through a foggy glass right now. I can't focus and feel peace and feel good about decisions I am making. I need to go be one with nature and just run or ride my bike, forever! That's when I feel good. I just don't know what to do.

On a side note, I have my next half marathon in Boise, ID on June 19th. I just registered for a triathlon sprint in Rexburg, ID on August 21st. That will be my next adventure to work towards and train for. It'll be great.

Ogden, Utah Half Marathon

2010-05-16T14:54:00.000-07:00

On Saturday, May 15, 2010 I ran my first half marathon. The title of the event was GOAL "Get Out and Live." I was bib number 7469. I woke up at 4:00am to make it to the shuttle stop by 4:45. After getting on the bus, it took us up to Eden Park (which is where the half marathon would start). It was pretty cold so we all huddled around the fire barrels that were to keep us warm. I got to talking and met some fun people. There were people of all ages, shapes and sizes there which I loved. Some like me had never run a half before and others have run dozens of half marathons and some fulls. It was fun because there was a live band there at our start.The course was absolutely beautiful. The start of the half marathon was at an elevation of 5,000 feet. You start by running around Pineview Reservoir then drop into Ogden Canyon where we ran along the roaring Ogden River. Breathtaking views of pine covered slopes changing into steep rock faces were encountered along with quaint homes nestled along the river's edge. It was so pretty because there were little waterfalls coming out of the mountain side. Exiting the canyon you run onto the Ogden River Parkway for approximately 2 miles which takes you past Dinosaur Park and the Utah State University Botanical Gardens. The course ended downtown on Historic 25th street at an elevation of 4,309 Feet. The best part is that the course was mostly downhill except for the hill from the end of mile 1-2.As I was thinking about the race, I set two goals for myself. First, I only wanted to walk through the water stations. Second, I wanted to finish under three hours. I wasn't sure that I could do either but I knew ultimately, all I wanted to do was finish, even if I had to crawl across the finish line. I don't have a running watch so while we were running, I had no idea how fast I was going or what my pace was. I just kept hoping it was fast enough to be under three hours. I met my first goal. I only walked as I went through each water station. I grabbed my drink at the beginning and walked the length of the whole station and then started to run again. I was so proud of myself. I also met my second goal. My complete finish time was 2:32:26.9. I was SO excited about that. The reason why my official time is different from what the clock says is because we had chips in our bibs and our clock started as we crossed the starting line. I was about 4 minutes back from the gun when we started.One of the reasons I was so excited about my finish time was because I didn't get to really "train" for my half the way that I had originally planned. Things came up and life got busy and I kind of detoured from my training schedule. Four weeks before the race, I decided that I was going to run my half marathon and I needed to get serious about it. I started running at the gym on the treadmill because the weather was still gross outside and it was either way too cold or it was raining or snowing. I only did three runs outside before my half marathon. I felt pretty good during the actual run though. The last mile is what really "hurt" but I could see the finish line for the last half mile and just kept telling my body to keep moving. As I crossed the finish line, I felt such a sense of accomplishment. I realized at that moment that I could do ANYTHING that I put my mind to. No matter how hard life gets or what is going on, I could do anything that I want to.
I had a ton of support from friends and fellow runners. Peni and Heidi, two moms from my school, both encouraged me and told me that I should do it. They said I could and believed in me. Diane, an aide that works at my school, gave me pointers and tips. She helped me find a great running shirt and also encouraged me. She taught me about body glide, a must when running long runs! Shauna, the PE teacher at my school, helped me with my blisters and foot problems because of bad socks I wore during a long run. It meant a lot to have people that I could talk to and ask questions to. I also texted my friend Katie asking for tips and advice about race day tips and long runs and mile markers, etc.
My friend Lisa came up from Provo and supported me and it meant so much to me. I loved having someone there to cheer me on as I crossed the finish line. She ran along the course to take some pictures of me running as well as I crossed the finish line and then after the race pictures. She is such a good friend to me and I just love her. She supported me and believed in me throughout my training and well in advance of that.After the race, Lisa and I were walking around and looking at all the different vendors just trying to keep moving. As we were doing this, I saw this guy all dressed up in pink. His glasses, shirt, tutu, socks, etc. were all pink. I was like I have to take a picture with that guy. Lisa ran after him and asked if we could take a picture. He was like of course. I told him that I loved him for wearing all pink and running a full marathon that way. Check out the hot pink runners :)Yesterday and today I have felt kind of stiff and my knees are pretty sore but I hurt less than I did yesterday so that's good. I will take a few days off from running and then get back outside to get in even better shape for my next half marathon in June.
I love running. It is like therapy for me. When I am running, I am not thinking about everything going on in my life or all of the struggles and trials that I am facing. It's just me and nature. You just run! You just keep going.
To anyone that is reading this, YOU can do anything you want to!! If you put your mind to it and work hard enough at it, you can do it. I know that is true because I did something I didn't think possible. I still have weight to lose and work to be done but I have come such a long way in the last year. I am down 62 pounds and in the best shape I could be right now.

1/2 marathon tomorrow

2010-05-14T15:00:00.000-07:00

I am writing this blogpost from Ogden, Utah. I got here this afternoon and picked up my race packet. It had my bib in it-I am number 7469! It also had my really cool Ogden Long Sleeve Shirt. There was also a lot of little goodies in it like sunscreen, chap stick, coupons, mints, etc. I am seriously SO excited for my race tomorrow! It is going to be soooo awesome!! I will blog and post pictures after my race. My friend Lisa is going to be cheering me on and the finish line and will hopefully get some good pictures of me crossing that line!

A Great Saturday

2010-05-08T16:35:00.001-07:00

Today, I woke up and went and ran in a 5K that my friend Willie put on. It was over at McGowin Park in Ammon. I improved my time from last year by almost 7 minutes and I didn't walk once!! That's a good thing seeing as my half marathon is next Saturday. CRAZY! Anyway, here's a picture from my run this morning.

After that, I met up with my friends Mark and Morgan to head out to Rexburg to go shooting with my new gun. It was so much fun! They are great company and Mark is an excellent teacher. I feel so much more confident now that I know more about the gun and what I'm doing. I even cleaned it myself. And no, I didn't buy two guns. The other gun in some of the pictures and in the video is Mark's. I got the same gun that he has. Below are some pictures and a video of my experience. So much fun!!

And the video...

So I am adding to my post from yesterday because my day ended up getting even better. I was sitting at home on a Saturday night by myself feeling bad for myself and lonely, knowing that the majority of my friends were on a big group date. I wanted to do something but no one was around. As I was sitting here feeling sorry for myself, my friend Cameron called to ask what I was doing. We ended up going for a drive out to Bone, Idaho. We then went through Wolverine Pass (tons of switchbacks). The road was pretty muddy and "slickery" as Cameron would call it. We were sliding all over the place. Luckily, Cameron knows how to maneuver his vehicle and kept us from sliding off the road. We went up to Taylor's Mountain (where there is an old ski resort). We only went to the gate and even though it was open, we turned around at that point because we didn't want the cops called on us. On our trip, we saw 3 moose and a bunch of deer. I was so excited to see the moose! It was awesome. My pity party of a Saturday night ended up being a great night with a great friend! I am so blessed to have great friends in my life that I love!

My new favorite song

2010-05-04T21:48:00.001-07:00

As part of makeover week on the Biggest Loser, the contestants got a private concert from Ashanti. She sang the song called "Shine." The lyrics are so powerful and just really hit home with me right now so I thought that I would share them with you. Here they are:

They'll try to make you feel, that you're not good enough
You feel so incomplete, don't let them change you
Show this whole world that you were made to

Shine, they can't shut out your light, no matter how hard they try
They try, but they never can win, cause they can't stop what's inside
They'll try to take you, try to break you down, remember you are born to shine

Don't let them make you think, that you're not pretty enough
You're beauty runs so deep, so deep inside you
And you know that's the reason why you

Shine, they can't shut out your light, no matter how hard they try
They try, but they never can win, cause they can't stop what's inside
They'll try to take you, try to break you down, remember you are born to shine

There's a fire inside of you, that they can never, ever understand
Take that light and burn strong and bright and

Shine, they can't shut out your light, no matter how hard they try
They try, but they never can win, cause they can't stop what's inside
They'll try to take you, try to break you down, remember you are born to shine
They'll try to take you, try to break you down, remember you are born to shine
They'll try to take you, try to break you down, remember you are born to shine

You're born to (shine) you're born to (shine) said you're born to (shine)
You're born to (shine) you're born to (I said shine) you're born to (shine)
You're born to, you're born to, you're born to, you're born to, you're born to

Do you love them? I do!

Messages of Love and Hope

2010-05-04T18:30:00.000-07:00

I've been wanting to do this for a week or so but every time I would sit down to do it, the tears would flow again. I wanted to put together all of the messages that my friends sent me during this extremely hard time. I want to be able to look back and see the people that love me and care about me. I am not going to put a name to any of the posts and some of them I edited (left parts out, etc). Mostly I wanted to do this so that I could have all the messages from my friends in one place. I love all of my friends so much, more than they could ever realize. These messages were messages of hope, encouragement, refocus on the Lord, and love. I would not have gotten through this hard trial without all of them. Thanks you guys! I love you!!

Chris, I know you're probably so overwhelmed right now, and don't really want to have facebook messages from people, but I want you to know that I love you so much, and I'm so sorry for how badly I'm sure you're hurting right now. You are so loved by your friends and your father in heaven. You're in our prayers. We love you so much.

I'm sure right now you feel like crap, and are probably tired of people blowing sunshine up your butt. But ever since our days at Pioneer walking around before class, I've always thought you were the kindest and sweetest person. EVER! You'll bounce back in time, and I hope everything works out in the end.

:( I don't know what to say, but I'm so sorry. If I can do anything, or you want someone to talk to, whatever you need, just give me a call. I'm so sorry and will keep you in my prayers. Good luck.

so sorry Chris, we love you and our prayers are with you. Call me if you feel like talking

So i have to say that my heart goes out to you. If you may remember i have been there. I know how much it sucks and how much it hurts. My heart sank today when i read this. Hang in there believe it or not it will get better. I know you have friends to help you through this. You are an insanely spacial person and i know you have a lot to give. I have now been married for three years and there is really not a day that goes by that i am not so grateful that some one broke my heart only so i could fix it and give it to some one who really deserved it. Go and have a good cry, eat some really fating food, listen to depressing music, cry some more and when you are ready go out and see the world. (or just Idaho). Hang in there. Sorry i don't write more often. Thanks for being so awesome.

Chris I am so sorry, if there is anything I can do to help please let me know.

Chris! I am sorry to hear about the change in your plans...you have many people who love you. Remember that and I pray you can find peace and hope and comfort even during this painful time. Whatever may happen-the Lord's hand is in it. He wants the very best for you.
I love you my friend!

Hey! I have no idea what to say. Only that I feel for you. I know what it's like being told adios! I can tell you that it gets better with time and soon, it's a memory if thats what it is meant to be.

Just a reminder, for guys, it's a committeemen issue and sometimes, we're just scared. I sense that is the challenge here. I know no details but it is a story that rhymes with so many others.
I would recommenced not pushing, not asking, not even thinking about it (if you can). Definitely do the first two. Remember "all things that flee are pursued and all things that are pursued, flee" . think about that and roll it around in your head for a while. It will make sense very fast. Sometimes, things just come back on their own. If they don't, it's better to have found out now rather than 5,10, 15, 20 years into it and then have to say goodbye. This one will hurt for a short while unlike the one that is bonded for years. That one, hurts forever.
Trust me, I've seen it here in my office as i sit and counsel with people not only about their money but about their life.

Super cheesy for me to say that, but it is true. Remember fall of 2005? What you are going through now is what happened to me then. I know it feels like it is the end of the world, and you don't see how you could ever find someone more perfect for you than this one. Remember that Christ didn't just die for our sins, but for all the emotional and physical pain that we would go through in this life. Even I don't know exactly what you're going through (though I somewhat understand), but Christ knows perfectly. And he knows perfectly how to comfort you through such a difficult time. Just remember to lean on Him always, but especially through times like this. You have a lot of people behind you, supporting you. I know we don't talk much, but I just wanted to let you know that things will get better. God ultimately wants us to be happy in the end. And the end is obviously not here yet! :-) Hold your head up. And don't feel like you need to be all better quickly. Take your time. Healing is a complicated, and sometimes long process. God loves you and we all love you :-)

I love you so much! You deserve an amazing man and I'm sure that Mike is amazing but there is an even more amazing man out there waiting for you! Let me know if you need anything! I LOVE YOU CHRIS!!!(more than any guy ever will!!!)

Chris you were on my mind all day yesterday and last night I mentioned it to my husband and he told me he had been in touch with you that very day. I'm sorry to hear your sad news. I could try to heap on a pile of well intentioned advice but I won't. I just want you to know you are in my thoughts and prayers. I think you are a remarkable person. Your story is one of strength and perseverance and determination so I know that while this will be a difficult time you will rise to the occasion and carry on in such a way that everyone will be witness, as always, what a lovely person you are and why we love you so much. If you need anything don't hesitate to ask. With love from someone who is in awe of your abilities and strong spirit,

I know that you and I don't know each other well, nor did we meet on the best of terms. But I wanted you to know that I'm praying for you and I truly hope you receive the comfort you need in this difficult time. Obviously I don't know all the details, but I know what you're going through in a way. I've been there and it's excruciating. I'm sorry that you're having to go through this and I'd be more than happy to talk, or just listen, if you ever need it.

I have been gone on vacation since last Saturday and am just now getting caught up on Facebook. I read that you are "single" now and it sounds like the wedding is off. Is this correct?
If so, I am so sorry to hear this news. I can only say these types of things happen for a reason, a very important reason. Knowing that doesn't make things easier it just makes it worth fighting through the pain and difficulty of these challenges. I'll keep you in my prayers...So sorry that this has happened. Everything happens for a reason and one day you'll know why. You will pick up the pieces as you say. Time will help. You're a strong person and this will only make you stronger. Hang in there! When are you going to be back in Cali? Definitely plan on making a visit.
Stay busy, pray hard and move forward. Better to find out now than a year or two from now right? I know it's hard...be tough...I'm pulling for you and praying for you. Hugs...

I know how you feel :( its the gut wrenching pain in your tummy that no matter what you do, you just cant make it go away and you cant stop thinking about it. i got some pretty good advice from people and this is what worked for me....
first off, it is a loss so you are allowed to grieve. if you need to cry, just let yourself cry as hard as you can! it really does make u feel better! then when you are done crying, just tell everyone around you that you don't want to talk about it anymore, you are moving on. when you talk about it. it makes u think about him and everything and so that remains the main focus of ur life. eventually when engouh time has passed u will be ok to talk about him again but for a while just ask people to get past it with you by not talking about it. and I dont know what happened between you both but i had A LOT of anger and hate and hurt ...... i dont know if you have any of that but one friend told me always to take the high road. It may take longer and its definatly harder, but it will get you where you want to be a lot faster.... meaning dont say mean things to him dont egg his apprtment or stalk him or anything at all. take the high road. when you rise above it hand handle it with dignity, you will be so proud of urself :) and lastly, this one sounds mormon cliche but it REALLY helped me..... i thought of the hymn count your blessings..... when upon lifes billows you are tempest tossed.... when you are discouraged thinking all is lost... count your many blessings name them one by one, and it will surprise you what the lord has done"..... seriously... pray and only thank heavenlyfather for all of your blessings... and when you do, you will find that you have way more than you thought. after, write them down and focus on those! that helped me a lot! but the sad part of it is, that really, only time can make that feeling in the pit of your tummy go away. but time will fix it. now, all you can do is just deal with it the best you can. stay busy, think posative, allow urself to cry if you want to! and pray and literaly... cont your blessing. Girl i am so sorry that this happened to you :( i wouldnt wish that pain on anyone! let me know if there is anything I can do for you!

Hey chica! We need to get caught up..... Big time! I've read a lot of your posts and I'm so sorry for what happened! I know we haven't been close for awhile but I have a great ear that never falls off! I miss you girl

Hey Chris! I hope that you are doing ok cause I know how hard it is. A lot of people don't understand and they tell you it will get better. It's hard to believe those people but I do understand and I can promise that it gets better. I cried every day for a long time and it was hard but I look back and I am so happy that it didn't work out with Ryan and I. You deserve the very best and he was not it. But please let me know if you ever need to just cry. Sometimes that just what you want to do and its ok. You can always cry to me! I miss you and wish I could give you a big hug but just know I'm praying for you!! Love you!

Chris, Hard to understand, but I am sure there will be a rainbow somewhere. I am so proud of you for moving forward with your life. You are doing things right. I am very impressed about the 1/2 marathon--can't imagine myself doing that! It is wonderful and so good for stress!

A wonderful quote from The Hiding Place, by Corrie ten Boom:

"Corrie," [my father began], "do you know what hurts so very much? It's love. Love is the strongest force in the world, and when it is blocked that means pain. "There are two things we can do when this happens. We can kill the love so that it stops hurting. But then of course part of us dies, too. Or, Corrie, we can ask God to open up another route for that love to travel. "God loves Karel [Mike] -- even more than you do -- and if you ask Him, He will give you His love for this man, a love nothing can prevent, nothing destroy. Whenever we cannot love in the old, human way, Corrie, God can give us the perfect way." Yesterday, in fast and testimony meeting, a woman who is a recovering alcoholic and a recent convert to the church stood up and bore her testimony. She talked about her life, never feeling loved by anyone, and how eventually she turned to alcohol to escape from her feelings of pain and inadequacy. She said that she is still working hard to stay sober, and she is celebrating four years of sobriety. She said that some people have complemented her on her strength, and she answers, "It is not strength, it is surrender." I hope that you find peace and healing through God and your many supportive friends.

It was a lot of fun talking to you tonight. I pray that you remember that this is a temporary difficulty - life will be very good again, very soon. Here's the quote I was telling you about: "You can do anything you want to do. What is rare is this actual wanting to do a certain thing; wanting it so much that you are practically blind to all other things, that nothing else will satisfy you...I know I have said a lot when I say "You an do anything you want to do." But I mean it... Blunder ahead with your personal view... The real work of art is the result of a magnificent struggle. " byRobert Henri
Definitely true. Hope you're well

I am so proud of you. You CAN be who you want to be! You are a girl with SO much potential!
Your strength and determination is wonderful! I'm glad you're taking this trial for what it is--a learning experience. You are loved, and I'm glad that you know that!

Thanks Chris reading this has helped me so much keep it up...jump on it, jump on it...Life is good!! Love ya

Chris, It takes time but each day will get a little easier. Week by week you'll notice a little more. Rely on the Lord, He will comfort you. Also rely on those around you. We all love you so much. You are amazing Chris, give it time, and let the tears come, if you need to even be angry with it all. It helps. And slowly it gets better and better.

babe, i am sending you a long distance hug.

I've been there chica, and I know exactly what you're going through. If you need anyone to listen to you I'm there. I happen to have excellent shoulders to lean on! Love you!

just reading some of your status updates. i'm sorry! i'm sure there's an awesome guy out there for you!

fill those days as best you can with positive loyal friends who will support and encourage you...you are in our prayers.

You are in my thoughts! Stay busy!!!

John Bytheway gives some great advice for breakups...
Don't let Breakups break you up
#1 Take your time. You can't expect to get over something like that overnight. There is a time to mourn and somtimes you are just going to feel sad for a while.
#2 Write - It can be very therapeutic and it feels good to get it out... See More
#3 Change the scenery - (This one worked really well for me)
Buy some new clothes, listen to some new music with no connection to the past, start a new hobby or try something you've never done before, move the furniture around. Create some new fun memories. Exercising is good too, and it gets your blood pumping.
#4 Be with people - you feel it more when you are alone.
#5 Watch you mouth - you don't have to share it all if you don't want to.
#6 Stay close to the Lord
I know what you are going through, and this advice really helped me to be me again. Love you!

I am sorry you have been hurt. I can't even begin to imagine what you are feeling and going through. But I do know that the Lord loves us every much and that he can help us through anything if we stay close to Him -Which I know you are good at :)

Chris, I'm so sorry about your bad news. Just wanted you to know I was thinking about ya.

Chris I am so sorry to hear that! I love you girl! You deserve someone even better! Love ya!

I'm sorry :( You will eventually feel better...trust me. And we're here for you if you need anything...anything at all.

Its going to be ok-it will take time. Like I said you want me to beat him up? Have a good day! Love ya!

There's a piece of me that still loves and cares about my first true love. You don't have to stop loving him. You just have to love yourself more!!! Hope you can get through today...one day at a time is how we survive the hard times!!!

I understand that feeling. It's the worst feeling in the world, but I promise it'll get better, or at least easier to deal with. He doesn't know what he's missing. Love ya! You'll never stop loving them, but eventually it isn't the consuming thought. I'm so sorry. After going through something like that it's something I'd do anything to keep people from feeling. Hang in there, you are loved by so many people.

Praying for you!!!! Are ya coming over tonight? You know you are welcome. Call me k

Easier said than done, but one day this will all make sense and things will work out. lots of love to you! xoxoxo

So sorry sweetie! Hope you know you are loved by many!! I'm praying for you and that your heart may heal. Your a great friend and i love ya!

Sorry to hear that. Hang in their. It does get better (2 Nephi 2:11). You'll be in our prayers. Take care.

Lots of love, chica! We are all rootin' for ya. Keep on keepin' on...being smiley and a wonderful upbeat person! You'll find better things down the road.

You are in my prayers and on my mind. I know you have the strength to get through this.

I am in so much shock... I can't imagine how you are feeling right now. I'm so so so sorry! I'm sure you have alot of phone calls right now, but please call me if you need to talk!

Chris, i am so so so sorry for what happened. i know it may not seem like much now, but remember to rely on the Lord. He knows the desire of our hearts. be strong!

Hope you are ok..... Love ya!

What on earth?! Let me at him!!

After all you did and prepared? I am sorry sweetie, I hope things get better.

I am so sorry!! You will be in my prayers and just remember to rely on the Lord, he knows best. If you need anything and I'm online let me know. Good luck!!

oh Wow! I am so sorry! I can't imagine how painful that must be! Elder F. Enzio Busche once said, "When you are compelled to give up something or when things that are dear to you are withdrawn from you, know this that this is your lesson to be learned right now. BUT know also that as you are learning this lesson, God wants to give you something better."
Easier said than done, right? hang in there. keep the faith

I am sorry to hear that Chris. As hard as it may be right now, it is better to not have gone through with the wedding, than to have gone through with it and ended up in divorce. There is someone out there who is going to be so much better for you and treat you ... More like a Queen. My philosophy is "Sometimes you have to kiss a lot of toads before you start kissing frogs. Then one day a frog will be your Prince Charming!"

So sorry . . .take some deep breaths and pray!

Smile! You are loved!

I am very sorry to hear that Chris. I wish the best for you as you work through this.

I hope you find hope and happiness very soon!

oh no!!! i'm so upset for you!!! this sucks....being engaged and then not is the worst, you will be stronger for sure though and find the best guy ever!

You'll find someone even better!

keep your head up. trust in the Lord. He knows you, and knows what is best. It happened to me, too...and life is more wonderful now than I ever thought possible. In the end, it will totally be worth it, even though you might not know why right now. HUGS!!!

Oh my goodness, I am so sorry, Chris. You WILL find someone even better. I'm sure this is so hard. Stay close to the Lord, and It will all work out for you

all will work out for you. I've been there and it's hard, but you already knew that. Have faith in the Lord and he will bless you in your desires.

Let me know if there is anything I can do for you. I will keep you in my prayers

My prayers are with you.

So sorry! Keep smiling! I love you and so does your Heavenly Father! Please know I am here if you need anything!

So Sorry! I cant imagine what you are feeling right now but stay strong and remember:
Footprints in the Sand:
One night I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord. Many scenes from my life flashed across the sky.... See More In each scene I noticed footprints in the sand. Sometimes there were two sets of footprints, other times there were one set of footprints. This bothered me because I noticed that during the low periods of my life, when I was suffering from anguish, sorrow or defeat, I could see only one set of footprints. So I said to the Lord, "You promised me Lord, that if I followed you, you would walk with me always. But I have noticed that during
the most trying periods of my life there have only been one set of footprints in the sand.
Why, when I needed you most, you have not been there for me?"The Lord replied, "The times when you have seen only one set of footprints in the sand, is when I carried you."
Mary Stevenson

Oh hunny, I'm so sorry! You're for sure in my thoughts and prayers! I love you girlie! Hang in there!

Oh Chris! I will keep you in my prayers. One day at a time. That's all you can do!

I love you Chris!

Lessons to be Learned

2010-04-24T07:43:00.000-07:00

Hey everyone. I wanted to write out some of the lessons that I am learning as I am going through this trial. I know that there are probably still a lot more lessons to learn but short term, here's what I have learned so far.

First, on Sunday, dear Sister Kocsis shared a talk from November 2008 by Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin titled "Come What May and Love It." It was so applicable for me. He says that in spite of discouragement and adversity, those who are happiest seem to have a way of learning from difficult times, becoming stronger, wiser and happier as a result. He also says that he believes that the way we react to adversity can be a major factor in how happy and successful we can be in life. If we approach adversities wisely, our hardest times can be times of greatest growth, which in turn can lead toward times of greatest happiness. He then shares some ways to get through those times.
First he says to learn to laugh. The next time you are tempted to groan, you might try to laugh instead. It will extend your life and make the lives of all those around you more enjoyable.
Second is to seek for the eternal. Learning to endure times of disappointment, suffering and sorrow is part of our on the job training. There experiences, while often difficult to bear at the time, are precisely the kinds of experiences that stretch our understanding, build our characters, and increase our compassion for others. We experience hard things so that we too may have increased compassion and understanding for others.
Third, we can understand the principle of compensation. The Lord compensates the faithful for every loss. That which is taken away from those who love the Lord will be added unto them in His own way. The faithful will know that every tear today will eventually be returned a hundredfold with tears of rejoicing and gratitude.
Fourth, we put our trust in our Heavenly Father and His son, Jesus Christ. The Lord Jesus Christ is our partner, helper, and advocate. He wants us to be happy. He wants us to be successful. If we do our part, He will step in. He who descended below all things will come to our aid. He will comfort and uphold us. He will strengthen us in our weakness and fortify us in our distress. He will make weak things become strong.
He then shares a quote which reads "The simple secret is this: put your trust in the Lord, do you best, then leave the rest to Him." I feel that's what I have been doing these past few weeks. I have been reading my patriarchal blessing quite often to realize and remember the blessings that I have been promised if I am faithful and do all that is commanded of me. I know that I will get married and have a family and learn to trust and love again. It will take me some time but I know that it will happen.

Another lesson that I have learned through all of this is that I have one of the most amazing support systems in the world. I have the best friends, family members, co-workers, leaders, etc. Everyone has stepped in and done so much for me. The night everything happened, a bunch of people showed up at the townhouse to move all of my stuff out and into my friend Ashley's garage. The girls at her house set my bed up downstairs in the laundry room and hung up some pink sheets to make me feel at home. Judy Pasley took me in like her own daughter and gave me such great advice and a place to sleep. I love her so much! People at work called and texted and emailed to see how I was doing and if I needed anything, etc. The parents of my students sent me flowers and well wishes. My students all made me a banner of why they love me. Family in CA and AZ have called, emailed and texted as well. Friends have called from all over the place to check on me and see how everything is going. I haven't returned all of the phone calls or facebook messages yet but I am slowly getting around to it. I'm at the stage where I don't really want to take about everything anymore. I'm starting to move on with my life and be down with the pain and heartache. I'm trying to figure out what to do with my life which leads me to lesson 3.

Another lesson I have learned came from when I was eating dinner with my friend Sara the other night. She shared this quote with me "You can do anything you want to do. What is rare is this actual wanting to do a certain thing; wanting it so much that you are practically blind to all other things, that nothing else will satisfy you... I know I have said a lot when I say 'You can do anything you want to do.' But I mean it...Blunder ahead with your personal view...The real work of art is the result of a magnificent struggle." Robert Henri. I can do anything I want to. I can travel the world. I can get a masters degree at grad school somewhere. I can get a job here and work all summer. I can buy a house. I can do whatever I want to. For me, it's just figuring out what it is I want to do.

Something else I have learned is that while dating Mike and being with him, I was starting to change who I am to be who I thought he wanted or needed me to be. I gave up little things that were really important to me. A couple of examples: before Mike and I started dating, I would spend 1-2 hours every day at the gym losing weight and trying to get my health under control, etc. I had won the Ultimate Loser and won training sessions with my trainer Mike. Anyway, when we started dating, I started going to the gym less and less because I wanted to spend more time with Mike. I started to not feel so good about myself and I definitely wasn't receiving those natural endorphins that I was used to having. Another thing, I really didn't like to eat out. I had gotten so used to the healthy lifestyle that I was creating for myself full of fruits and vegetables. Before I knew it, Mike and I were eating out all of the time. It really concerned me at first because I knew all of the calories and stuff that was associated with the food we were eating. I tried to always order water to drink to at least save calories there. Before long though, I started drinking soda pop again because everyone in his family does it and I wanted to "fit" in. I hated myself for doing it. I had gone two straight years without having a caffeinated beverage. You'll be glad to know that I haven't had one in two weeks and I'm not going back ever again. Those are just a few of the things I mean when I say I was starting to change who I was to be who he needed me to be (whether he really did or not, it's how I perceived the situation).

You'll be glad to know that I am back at the gym. I start training with Mike again on Monday. It'll be good to have someone to be accountable to for 12 weeks because I know he'll make me step on the scale every Monday and see where I am at. I have a long way to go until I will be at my goal weight. You'll also be glad to know that I am still running my half marathon on May 15th in Ogden, Utah. I am really excited about that. I haven't been training how I should have been leading up to it but I need to do this. I need to cross that finish line and be able to say that I did that for me!

I just want everyone reading this to know how much I love you guys! You all mean so much to me and I am grateful to have you in my life. Thanks for being a part of helping me become who I am today and an even better version of myself for tomorrow!

New Computer

2010-04-23T22:17:00.001-07:00

Hey everyone! Sorry I haven't blogged more recently. My computer crashed a couple of weeks ago and I was trying to live without one. It wasn't working though. Today, Mark (a teacher I work with) and I went over to Best Buy and looked at computers. I ended up buying a decent computer so that I will be able to update my blog and feel like I know what is going on in my friends lives. I will blog more tomorrow when I am a little more awake and my thoughts are a little more clear. Thanks for reading my blog and keeping tabs with me.

LOVE

2010-02-14T17:17:00.000-08:00

Happy Valentine's Day everyone! With the approach of Valentine's Day, I spent the last couple of days thinking about love and what it means to me in my life. There are lots of things that I love. I love the color pink. I love my bed. I love my job. I love my family. I love my 4runner. I love my amazing, wonderful boyfriend Mike. I love taking long, hot baths. I love gerber daisies. These are just a few of the things that I love. I was thinking to myself though, how can I say I love the color pink and my boyfriend in the same sentence? I don't love them equally. I definitely love my boyfriend more than I love anything else from the list above. So what is love? I decided to turn to my scriptures to search out what love truly is. Here's what I found out.

According to the Bible Dictionary, it says "Charity is the highest, noblest, strongest kind of love, not merely affection; the pure love of Christ." Well, what is Charity you say. In Moroni 7: 45-48 it says " And Charity suffereth long, and is kind, and envieth not, and is not puffed up, seeketh not her own, thinketh no evil, and rejoiceth not in iniquity but rejoiceth in truth, beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things, Wherefore my beloved brethern, if you have not charity, ye have nothing for charity never faileth. Wherefore cleave unto charity, which is the greatest of all, for all things must fail-But Charity is the pure love of Christ, and it endureth forever; and whoso is found possessed of it at the last day, it shall be well with him." How do we obtain charity? Verse 48 tells us..."Wherefore my beloved brethern, pray unto the Father with all the energy of heart that ye may be filled with this love, which he hath bestowed upon all who are true followers of his son Jesus Christ, that they may become the sons of God; that when we shall appear we shall be like him, for we shall see him as he is, that we may have this hope, that we may be purified even as he is. Amen"

1 Corinthians 13: 4-8 tells us that "Charity suffereth long and is kind, charity envieth not, charity vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up, doth not behave itself unseemly, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil, rejoiceth not in iniquity, but rejoiceth in truth, beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things, Charity never faileth."

Doctrine and Covenants 59: 5-6 says "Wherefore I give unto them a commandment saying Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart , with all the might, mind and strength and in the name of Jesus Christ, thou shalt serve him. Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself."

John 3:16 says "For God so loved the Lord that he gave his only begotten son, that whosoever believeth in Him shall not perish but have everlasting life."

Romans 8: 35-39 says "Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? shall tribulation or distress or persecution or faminie or nakedness or peril or sword? Nay in all these things we are made more than conquerors through Him that loved us. For I am persuaded that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come, Nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord."

As I searched and studied this week about love, I realized a couple of things. First, I realized that I really don't comprehend how much love my Father in Heaven and my Savior have for me. Heavenly Father sent Jesus Christ to this earth to die for me, a fallen, sinful, imperfect person so that I could one day return to live with Him. That's a lot of love. Then I was reading the verses in Romans and I realized that I am truly the only thing that can separate me from Christ's love. Nothing in this world will separate me from his love. It's my choices and behavior that cause that separation but the good news is that He stands with open arms, waiting for me to turn back to Him everytime.

It's interesting to me how being in love has changed my life. I am happier than I have ever been. Things that used to bother me or get under my skin don't even phase me anymore. I am always smiling. I am constantly thinking about ways to make Mike's day better or how I can relieve stress from him or things that I can do to let him know how much I love him. As I have turned my focus to him and us, I have lost myself. I feel more love for my Savior and for my Father in Heaven for allowing Mike to be a part of my life. I love him so much and cannot wait for all that the future has in store for us. He is an amazing man who treats me with so much love and respect. I seriously am the luckiest person alive! He's the man I have always dreamed of. He's the man I've prayed for. He's the man that I want to take me to the temple to be sealed for time and all eternity. Mike Shirts-You are the best thing that has ever happened to me and I love you!

Update on Mike and I

2010-02-09T20:31:00.000-08:00

I have been really bad at updating my blog lately. I have better things to do with my time :) I just wanted to get on here really quickly and put an update about Mike and I. Things are great! Last week, Mike and I took a couple days "off" from each other to figure things out and make sure that this is what we really want. Basically, it killed me not being with him or talking to him. I realized how much I truly love him. We are doing really great and are so happy with each other. Next weekend, the 20th, we are going down to meet my parents. I am so excited for them to meet him and for them to see how happy we are together. I love Mike so much. He makes me happier than I have ever been before. He treats me like a queen. He respects me so much. I have never felt these feelings before. When I am with him, I can't get enough of him. When I'm not with him, he's what I'm thinking about. He is such an amazing guy! I am so blessed to have him in my life!!

Hope

2010-02-03T09:49:00.000-08:00

So I am home sick from work again today. My body is just not cooperating. I don't feel sick except that I am running a fever and have these sharp stomach pains that come and go. I've spent too much time this week thinking about myself and everything going on in my life right now. I haven't stopped to look outside myself and serve those around me. I have been blessed by a lot of friends who have been concerned for me and what's going on because they want things to work out for my sake and to see my happy. I appreciate them more than they know this week. Yesterday, I got sent home from work early because of my fever. I got in my car and just started crying. I just wanted to be at work with my kids so that I could feel normal and keep my mind off of everything. When I had to go home, I was really upset-mostly at myself because I was not handling the stress of everything like I knew I should be. When I got home, there was a card in the mailbox from some friends of mine that live back East. I knew them from college and we have kept in contact ever since then. It was such a tender mercy of the Lord to have that card with their sweet words on a day that I needed it the most. Today as I have been sitting on my bed with a whole lot of nothing to do, I ventured onto the LDS.org website. I was watching some of the videos that they have on there and found one that hit home for me. It is called the Infinite Power of Hope and President Uchtdorf gave the talk that goes with it. It reminded me of everything that I should be doing but haven't been. I need to have HOPE! Hope in the Lord that everything WILL work out how it is suppossed to! I can say it all I want but I need to have that hope backed by true faith that that is what will happen. Here is the clip from that talk! I absolutely loved it.

Great Advice

2010-01-11T23:10:00.000-08:00

Thanks everyone for your great advice. At this point, I am keeping my options open. I have decided to apply for teaching positions in Mesa, AZ as well as Boise/Meridian, ID. It doesn't mean that I am leaving Idaho Falls yet. I am still going to apply for a building transfer and see if that happens as well. To help pay off some debt, I have applied to work at Melaleuca as a Hot Shot. I still don't have the answers to a lot of my questions but I feel blessed to have a Heavenly Father that trusts me to make the right decisions for my life. Thanks for all of your love and support.

What to do with life?

2010-01-10T12:57:00.000-08:00

Hi everyone! I was giving a friend of mine the other day a hard time because she hadn't updated her blog recently. As I was looking at my blog today, I realized that I haven't updated my blog recently either and that I should get on that.

I am kind of going through a rough patch right now. I don't know that rough is the right word but for lack of a better word, I'll say rough. I am trying to make some big decisions in my life right now. I am really unhappy at the school that I teach at for a number of reasons. This has spurred me to think of what I should do with my life. I am going to apply for a building transfer-meaning I would stay in my same district but go to a different school to teach. I have to turn my official letter in by March 1st and then they let you know as positions come open and if you are being considered for them. This would be ideal because I really love where I live. I love Idaho Falls and the friends that I have here. I am really involved in our school district and enjoy most of the people I work with. All that said, I have been thinking a lot about what I should do with my life. Should I go to grad school? Do I do it online or do I apply somewhere and move there for school? What do I get my masters in? Do I apply to teach somewhere else-like in a different state? Do I up and move and start over fresh somewhere? Do I attempt online dating? Do I travel the world? Do I...?!

I have been praying about these questions and fasting and attending the temple and just feel a blank slate in front of me. I am not receiving answers at all and it is frustrating to me. I feel like I have little faith because I have a lot of fear. I am scared to move. I am scared to not get a building transfer. I am scared to start over. Faith and fear can't exist in the same place but I don't know how to have more faith than fear. I am trying to trust in the Lord's will and timing for my life but it is really hard!! Any suggestions or advice that you have from your own life experiences?

What I really want to have in my life right now is a family! I want to meet the man of my dreams that will take me to the temple to be sealed for time and all eternity and then I want to start an eternal family. I know that this is what will bring me true happiness and joy because that is what I am here on earth to do and what I was created to do. How do I have faith in the Lord's timing for something that I desire so much right now, which is a righteous desire!! We are promised in Moroni 7:26 "And as surely as Christ liveth, he spake these words unto our fathers, saying: Whatsoever thing ye shall ask the Father in my name, which is good, in faith believing that ye shall receive, behold, it shall be done unto you." I think that wanting to be married and have a family is a good thing and I have asked the father and I know that I can receive it...so how long do I have to wait? Trying to have faith in His timing is really, really hard for me!

My thoughts on the Savior

2009-12-20T18:12:00.000-08:00

At this Christmas season, I wanted to take the time to write down my thoughts and feelings on the Savior. I find myself getting so caught up in the hustle and bustle of everyday life (work, gym, church callings, guitar practice/class, etc). that I sometimes don't leave room for the most important relationship in my life. It is so easy for me to talk about experiences that I have had with the gospel and how I can do better or what I need to change but then actually doing them is so hard for me. I have felt distant lately from my Savior because I haven't turned to Him and allowed room for Him in my heart. I am like the innkeeper that says there is no room for you in the inn. The good news is that the Savior completed the atonement for me and my short comings and that I can let Him back in. I can't do life without Him. I need Him everyday. I need to make room for Him in my heart and in my life. As this year comes to a close, I realize that I could have done a lot better. There are a lot of things that I wanted to do and ways that I wanted to grow that didn't necessarily happen. What I have realized is that even though I might not have grown in huge, magnificent ways, each day, I tried to do a little better, to be a little better.
In many ways, I am like the lost sheep that wanders. The Savior sent missionaries to my house to find me and teach me of His gospel. He loved me so much and I will never forget those feelings I felt all those years ago. My problem is that I wander off. I think that I can do it all on my own but then I am humbled and brought back to the realization that I need Him. I can't do it without Him. He makes life worth living. Through the Savior, I can find true happiness. Only in and through Him can true happiness be found.
My resolve for 2010 is to pray more often and be found in the scriptures and words of our Latter Day Prophets. I want to be known as someone who loves my Savior and desires to serve Him with all of my heart.
Jesus Christ lives. He stands with arms wide open saying come follow me. He came to this earth to fulfill a divinely appointed mission. He lived a perfect life yet allowed Himself to feel all of our pain, grief, sorrow, sicknesses, etc. as He suffered in Gethsemane and on the cross. He knows all that I will have to endure in this life because He suffered it all and more. His gospel is true. As I read the scriptures, my heart and mind are turned toward Him and I better understand His will in my life. I love my Savior and desire to be more like Him everyday. He is truly the reason for this season. Is there room for Him in your inn?

Thank you

2009-12-13T18:30:00.000-08:00

I just wanted to write a post to say thank you to everyone for all of the comments on my last post. It means a lot to me to have such great friends that support me. I love you all so much! I have decided to run the Ogden Utah Half Marathon on Saturday, May 15th, 2010. You are all welcome to come cheer on the sidelines if you so desire. If you see me or talk to me, ask me how the rest of weight loss is going or how training is going?! Keep me motivated. If any of you have favorite quotes about staying motivated or positive thinking or anything, please send them my way. Thanks again for all that you do for me, even if it is just through the virtual world. You are all awesome!

I had a friend tell me that my before/after pictures don't do real justice to my actual transformation.

These first two pictures of me are from March of this year, 2009.

These two pictures of me are from last weekend, December 2009.

Hopefully this shows the real transformation!

Thanks again for all of your love and support!

Ultimate Loser- Go Green Team

2009-12-09T19:29:00.000-08:00

Hey everyone! As most of you know, I am a HUGE fan of the TV show "Biggest Loser." I never miss an episode. I am amazed at how the contestants are able to change their lives in such a huge way. Well my gym, the Apple Athletic Club, does a program called the "Ultimate Loser" which run simultaneously with the tv show. I decided to pay the $199 fee to enter the competition and try to lose some weight. We got to work with a trainer twice a week for ten weeks and learn how to improve our eating habits. Our team's, the Green Team, trainer was Mike Taylor. He was awesome and taught me so much! The bonus was that the top girl winner and top guy winner would win a years gym membership and 12 one on one personal training sessions with their trainer. I set a goal for myself that in ten weeks I would lose 40 pounds, 4 pounds a week.

Well, I am here to tell you that in ten weeks, I lost
40.5 pounds. I met my goal. That amounted to a 17.4% overall weight loss. Can you believe that? Not to mention all of the inches and body fat that I lost. Below you will see before and after pictures. What do you think?

To read more about the program and see the results, go here (cut and copy to your browser):

http://www.appleathleticclub.com/ul_results.php

I want you to notice that I finished #1 overall- even over the guys! Not an easy thing to do. My next goal is to run a half marathon. I will either be running on April 17th in Salt Lake, May 1st in Provo, or May 15th in Ogden. Any suggestions?

Bef0re Pictures: 9/28/09

After Pictures 12/7/09

100 Things I am grateful for

2009-11-26T09:17:00.001-08:00

Hey everyone! I know that I am not on here updating very often. I have the best of intentions but life always just seems to be too busy. I am going to try to update a little more from now until Christmas. We'll see how I do. Anyway, I would like to post a post of 100 things that I am grateful for. You may ask why 100 things? Well, my SELF magazine suggested that all readers write a list of 1oo things that they are grateful and while it may seem hard at first it really isn't at all. This list is in no particular order. Enjoy reading who and what I am thankful for.

100 Things I am grateful for:

1. The atonement of Jesus Christ- without His atonement, there would be no hope for me in this life or the life to come. I am learning more and more what the atonement really is. It doesn't just cover our sins and shortcomings. Because of the atonement, Christ literally has felt everything that we feel, both good and bad. He has felt our pains and our joys, our sorrows and sicknesses. I am grateful for the knowledge that I have of the atonement.
2. The Book of Mormon- I am grateful for this book and the power that it has in my life. I am able to feel closer to my Savior and Father and Heaven every time I read it. When I read with a question in mind, almost always I can find the answer within the scriptures.
3. The temple- Temples are truly the house of the Lord. I am grateful to hold a recommend and be able to go there whenever I so desire. I can feel the Spirit and learn of God's will for me.
4. An Amazing Branch Presidency- When our new presidency was called, I was a little nervous because anyone who knows me knows that I don't like change very much. Well, this was a great change. The men in our presidency are solid men of God who possess great testimonies and serve us with all of their heart. I love these men.
5. Our past branch presidency- Even though I don't get to see these men as often, I still love them. They taught me so many wonderful lessons and I look up to them a lot.
6. The wives of current and past branch presidency- Let's face it, these men wouldn't be anything without their amazing wives. I love them all!
7. My bed- I absolutely love my bed. We call it the pink island. It is a queen size bed with a pillow top. I have slept so much better since I got it and I just love sinking into it each night as I go to bed.
8. Electric heating blankets- I love being warm at night. My new electric blanket is a little piece of heaven keeping me warm each night.
9. Pink- I love the color pink. 90% of what I own has pink in some form on it. I don't know why I love it so much, I just do.
10. My car- my 4runner was a great investment last December. It is a great vehicle. I love the 4 wheel drive in the winter when the roads are crazy. It can fit a lot of people too which is a bonus. Now I just need me a husband and some kids to put in the thing and I would be set :)
11. My new Ipod- Now I don't need to worry anymore about my Ipod spontaneously crashing on me or not letting me load new songs, etc. My new Ipod even takes videos and I can listen to the radio from it as well. Who comes up with these things? Crazy!
12. My job- I love being a teacher. I love my students so much! Teaching is what I love to do bottome line. There is so much joy in watching a little kid come to understand something and just run with it. I do it because of the kids.
13. EFY- last summer was one of the best summers that I have had because I got to work as an EFY counselor. As stated above, I love teaching and teaching the gospel is even better! I got to work with amazing counselors and building counselors and coordinators. I had amazing youth to work with that I just love. Any kid, EFY age, should go to EFY! It is a life changing experience.
14. Hawaii- I love Hawaii. It is so beautiful there. The weather is perfect. The ocen is clear and warm. There is so much history such as Pearl Harbor. There are so many things to see and do there and I would love to go back!
15. Kasey- I went to Hawaii with my good friend Kasey. When we first lived together, I didn't think that she liked me at all. Kind of funny when I look back on it. We have so many memories together. I wish we didn't live so far apart so that we could see each other more often. She's one of my best friends and I don't tell her enough how much she means to me!
16. Alaska- Alaska is another one of my favorite states. It is absolutely beautiful up there. I went on a cruise up there. I loved seeing the bald eagles flying around, the orca whales breaching and the puffins swimming by the glaciers. It was really cold when I was there but I would go back in a heartbeat.
17. Popcorn. I love popcorn! 100 calorie bags-you are the best!
18. Apple Athletic Club- I love this place and the people who work there. I have come to love running and doing the grasshopper (cybex machine). The gym has given me my life back.
19. The Green Team- with the gym, I am thankful for the Ultimate Loser program and being on the Green Team. I love my team- Kathy, Holly, Liz and Kurt. They all motivate me and keep me going. They are great friends to me and I hope we stay in contact after this ends on the 7th.
20. Mike Taylor- The trainer of our team. I am grateful for him because he teaches us so much with free weights and the machine. He has given us lots of workout "secrets" that I will use for the rest of my life.
21. My computer- without it, I wouldn't be typing this right now. I love technology and how we can access the world with the few clicks of a button.
22. My house- I love the house I live in. It is a house filled with love and the Spirit. I feel happy and safe here.
23. Callie- my roommate whose house I love in. Callie has been an inspiration to me in the way she lives her life. I watch her eat healthy and go to the gym and study her scriptures and it makes me want to be better. She encourages me and helps me when I am struggling. She has become such a great friend to me over the past few years. She leads by example and quiet dignity and I love her!
24. Biggest Loser- I love Bob! I love Jillian too but I love Bob just a little more. I love how this show inspires so many to make changes in their life and get healthy. I haven't missed an episode in a couple of seasons now. Assume the position.
25. Ashley- I watch the Biggest Loser with Ashley every Tuesday. She has become one of my closest friends since she moved to Idaho Falls. We have tons of memories together. I can talk to her about anything. She has more shoes than I do clothes but hey, it's okay! She's way crafty and always has the coolest ideas for watches, recipe watches, decorations, etc.
26. Miche Bags- I love my Miche Bag. It is one purse with different shells that you can change. It seriously is the greatest thing ever invented!
27. The Beach- I love the beach. That's my place. I love swimming, surfing and just being in the water. I would love to go and just fun up and down PCH (Pacific Coast Highway). I feel at peace with the world and just at ease. I wish I lived closer to the beach.
28. Snow- Even though snow can be a pain when it comes to scrapping the driveway or windows of a car, it is beautiful when it is falling and when the ground is snow covered. There is something peaceful about seeing everything covered in white. I love it.
29. Books- I love to read. I have read some great books lately that have really got my mind thinking about things. I love being swallowed up in a good book. There's almost nothing better.
30. Football-I love watching football, both college and professional. The weekends are my favorite because I can watch game after game. There's nothing better!
31. SVU- I love detective Stabler and Benson. They are two of my favorites. I love this show because they catch the bad guys. I have actually learned a lot from watching this show-warning signs when kids are being abused and such. I probably shouldn't watch it as much as I do but I love it.
32. Christmas things- music, movies, books, etc. Love them! If I had it my way, I would listen to, watch, and read Christmas things all year long!
33. Guitars- I have been taking a guitar class at EITC this semester. I can play pretty well if I may say so myself. I have learned so much and love to just sit and play my guitar. It's soothing. I have been playing mostly Christmas songs as of late.
34. My flute- I also love playing the flute. I don't get very many opportunities to play the flute these days but I love when I do.
35. The piano- I love tinkering around on the piano. I'm not the best but I enjoy playing for my students' Christmas program every year. A few weeks ago, I got to play at the Sacrament Meeting of the good Samaritan Center. If I practiced more, it would be a talent that I could really develop.
36. Converse- I love my converse. I have 6 pairs, all in different colors. They are my favorite shoes. They are so comfortable and I can wear them with almost everything I own. I would wear them with my church clothes if that wasn't frowned upon.
37. Airplanes- I am grateful for airplanes so that I can get to places far away quickly. I would hate to have to drive or take a boat to some places when I can just hop on a plane and get there much faster.
38. Weddings- I love attending weddings and watching as two people join themselves together to become one. I almost always cry because it is such a sacred thing.
39. Knowledge-I am grateful for the things that I know whether secular knowledge or spiritual knowledge.
40. I am grateful for pillows to lay my head upon each night and sleep with.
41. Receiving hand written letters in the mail
42. The changing of the leaves from summer to fall. That's my favorite change in season.
43. The joy in a child's eye when they realize something for the first time.
44. Watching people learn to surf. Brings me back to the days when I first learned how to.
45. Wildlife- I love seeing animals in the wild, in their natural habitat. It's a pretty neat thing to watch nature in it's true form.
46. Yellowstone National Park- This is one of my favorite places to go visit. It is a beautiful place where lots of animals can be found. I have seen bears, moose, elk, bison, swan, canadian geese, badgers, beavers, and much much more there. I love it because you can go and spend a day hiking in the back country, swimming in the hot pools, watching the wildlife or just driving one of the loops in your car. It's a great place!
47. Education- I'm grateful for the education that I received at BYU-Idaho. I love that campus and the experiences that I had there. I wouldn't change them for anything. I love to always be learning, which is probably why I take so many classes even though I already have a bachelor's degree. It is a good thing to always be learning.
48. Photographs- I am grateful for photos which capture memories in the moment. I love looking at pictures, remembering what I was doing right then when the picture was snapped. Pictures really do tell a story.
49. Clothes- I am grateful for clothes and fashion. Even though most of my clothes are too big now, I am excited to go shopping after the holidays to get some new items to add to my wardrobe. I promised Callie that everything I get will not be pink. It will be hard but I can do it!
50. Cows- I know a cow named Sterling that I just love. He lives in Salmon, Idaho. It was a year ago today that he was born. I love that little guy, well, probably not so little anymore but...
51. Gideon and Alyssa- I was with Gideon last Thanksgiving when I first met Sterling. Gideon and Alyssa are two of my best friends and I love them so much. They got married in September. They are great for each other. They live in Boise now and I really want to make it up to see them. I miss them so much! There are both great dancers and I love watching them preform.
52. Tolman clan- I love Gideon's parents and siblings. They were so welcoming to me and just a great family to be around and spend time with. I just love them!
53. Good music- I am grateful for good music and the power that it has in my life. I love listening to music. It has to power to uplift me and get my mood back to positive.
54. Dancing- my motto is "Shake what your mama gave you." If there is a song on with a good beat, you can bet that I will be shaking. I love to dance, especially if I am around friends. Dance party!
55. Fruits and Vegetables- I have come to love cooking with different fruits and vegetables. I am learning to love vegetables that three months ago, you wouldn't have gotten me to even look at. They have so many nutrients that our bodies just thrive off of. If you don't get your 5-9 servings a day, you should look at what you are eating and switch it up. If you need ideas for cooking with different vegetables, let me know.
56. Cameron- Cameron is one of my best friends. He has helped me through so many things. He is a great person to just sit and talk to. He helps me know that everything will be ok. He has been my home teacher ever since I have lived in the branch and I am grateful for his diligence and example. He makes me want to be better. I spent Christmas with him last year and let's just say "Santa" was so good to me. He does a lot to make me feel special and I really appreciate him. I wish there were more people like him around.
57. Brooke- Brooke was one of the first people that I met in Idaho Falls. She helped me adjust to living down here not really knowing anyone. She let me sleep on their couch when Callie was out of town and there was a hobo spider in my basement. She as taught me a lot of life lessons. She teaches health and has a lot of good ideas that I have gleamed from her. She is a great friend!
58. Gina- Gina is a girl from Brigham City who loves her family. I love talking to her because 99% of the time, she shares something about one of her siblings or nieces and nephews. It makes me want to be closer to my own family because of how much she loves hers. She is a supportive friend who will just tell you how it is. I love having her as a friend.
59. Lisa- Oh Lisa. She is perhaps the most thoughtful, giving person that I know. She is always thinking of others and putting their needs before her own. She has traveled to a lot of places and has just lived life to its fullest. This past summer she ran a marathon. What an inspiration she is! I miss her and I hope that she will come visit us again soon!
60. The greenbelt- I love going for a walk/run/bike ride around the belt. It is so pretty and a great perk to living in Idaho Falls.
61. My bike- I love my bike. When the weather is nice, I enjoy riding my bike to and from work. It helps me keep my mind off of things and I am able to just enjoying the ride.
62. Hayley- Hayley is my friend that sold me my bike. Hayley has been through a lot this last little while but has come off a conqueror. She is such an example to me of strength. I love her a lot. She is a great listener and just has such a positive attitude about things. She's great!
63. Prophets and Apostles- I am grateful for righteous, worthy Priesthood holders who lead and guide our church. We learn of the will of the Father through them, the Lord's mouthpieces.
64. Ensign- I am grateful for the Ensign because we can read and reread their talks and messages which they have shared with us. We learn better what Heavenly Father's will is for us in this moment in time. I look forward to receiving and reading the Ensign each month.
65. Baths- I love soaking in a hot bath. There is something so relaxing about it. Pour some bubbles in their and put on some instrumental music and I am in heaven.
66. Massages- If I was rich, I would get a massage every month. They feel so good and release all of the toxins out of your system.
67. Water- I love water. It is my drink of choice. It is so good for you. Your body needs water! Drink lots of it!
68. DVR- I don't know how I lived without DVR. I love being able to record my favorite shows when I can't watch them live as well as recording live tv when something comes up that I need to take care of. It was a great switch.
69. Hot tubs- I love just sitting and soaking. It's one of my favorite ways to relax.
70. Socks- I love socks because they keep my feet warm. Patterned socks are my favorite. I have a billion pair of Christmas socks so I have already started wearing them so that I can make sure to wear each pair at least once before Christmas.
71. Stacy- my friend Stacy and her family have been through more this year than anyone I know. She stays so positive. She has so much faith. Even when life is so hard for her or her family, she is still looking at ways that she can serve and bless those around her. She is a great friend to me and a great strength in my life. Even when we don't see each other for awhile, we can sit and catch up as if no time has gone by at all. I am grateful for her love and support.
72. Stacy's family- they have accepted me as one of their own. Her mom is a great example of love and service. I have so many memories with the Pasley family from a missionary easter to surprise going away parties to going over there my first night alone in my apartment. Every time her mom is so loving and welcoming. They are a great little family. They have showed me how to stick by one another when times are tough and what prayer and fasting can do for one another. I love you guys!
73. Encouraging words- It is amazing what a few words of encouragement can do. They can make a rotten day a great one. They can help change a negative attitude. They can warm a heart.
74. Journals- I am grateful for journals because I can look back and see how much I have grown. I can remember things that I wouldn't otherwise remember. I can look at ways that prayer and fasting, etc. blessed my life or the life of someone that I love.
75. Blankets- I love cuddling up in blankets, especially on a cold, snowy morning. They keep me warm and make me feel safe.
76. Holidays- I love the holidays because they seem to bring families closer. Traditions are kept and memories made. I am excited for when I have a family of my own and can make new traditions and memories.
77. My blackberry- I love my "pinkberry" as my students would call it. I love my phone. I can not only use it to talk and text message but also to check facebook and use the internet. It is amazing what phones can do these days and how lucky we are to be in a generation that is so technology minded. I always think to myself, how did I live without the internet on my phone? Kind of crazy to think about.
78. Co-workers- I work with some great people at work. We all pull together as a great team. Some of them can make me laugh, others tell me things will be okay, some look out for my well being long term. I am just grateful for the good people that I work with.
79. Shopping- I love to shop. If I had more money, I would do it more often. I love to go just walk around the mall and check out all of the deals. Black Friday anyone?! Hehe.
80. Automatic Starters- I love that I can start my car from inside my house. Mornings where it is in the single digits make me especially grateful for this feature. I love getting into a warm car and not having to scrap my windows. If you don't have one, you should get one. Best investment ever. My 4runner came with it already installed, my focus I bought one at Best Buy and they installed it for me.
81. Mandi- a good friend from Rexburg who I lived with for a year. We have a lot in common. I enjoyed living with her and the many memories we created. I love that we still keep in touch and have so many fun times. She also has a great family! Her mom is awesome.
82. Jackets- I am grateful for jackets/coats, especially as it gets colder and colder outside. They keep me warm and from getting frostbite. Good thing I have so many different ones in so many different colors.
83. Facebook- I am grateful for facebook because it allows me to keep in contact with people from junior high, high school and college that I otherwise would not keep in contact with. I love finding out what is going on in their lives, who is marrying who, etc. It is a great social network.
84. Blogs- I am grateful for blogs because I get to see pictures of my friends and their families. I love reading what is going on in their lives and watching as families are created and babies come into the equation. Some of the people whose blogs I read I don't keep in the best contact with but yet I feel like I know what is going on in their lives because of their blog.
85. Rachel and Kodi- I love these guys and their kids Journee and Kage. I have been really bad in not keeping up with them or visiting them enough. I worked for Rachel as her RA when I lived up in Rexburg. She is one of my favorite people. They are great examples. Kodi is one of the hardest workers that I know. I love you guys!
86. Friends in general- If I listed every friend I have, it would far exceed 100. I am grateful for friends who care about me. I am grateful for friends who pick up the phone and call just to see how I am doing. I am grateful for the cards and letters I receive from friends. I am grateful for messages sent through facebook and the emails I receive. Thanks for all of the many memories and experiences that we have shared. I love all of you so much!
87. Manicures and pedicures- I love getting my nails done. I feel so pampered and love the massages that come with getting your nails done.
88. Flip flops- I practically live in them in the summer. I would wear them year round if I could but it's probably not the best idea to wear flip flops on the ice.
89. Health Insurance- I am grateful to have health insurance. Everyone who knows me well knows that I always get hurt up here in the winter. I am grateful for good doctors and insurance which helps cover the bills. Without insurance, I would be in a deep deep whole of debt.
90. Missionaries- I am grateful for missionaries who sacrifice 18 months to 24 months to go out and serve the Lord. It is because of missionaries that I am where I am today. It isn't easy being a missionary but the eternal blessings are so worth it. I am so thankful for all of you that have ever served or that will serve. Thank you for your selfless act. Thank you for following the promptings of the Holy Ghost and serving your fellow man.
91. Trials- I am grateful for trials because through them, I grow closer to my Savior and better understand His purpose for me. Trials humble me. I realize that I cannot do everything on my own and that I need His atonement in my life. They help me realize that this earthly life is just but a small moment in the eternal scheme of things.
92. My testimony- I am grateful for my testimony of the gospel because it leads me life. The decisions I make everyday are because of the knowledge that I have of the gospel. The things that I do and say are because of my love for my fellow man. The person that I am becoming is because of my knowledge of the gospel, the eternal perspective that we have of who we are, why we are here and where we are going.
93. The Sacrament- I am grateful for the Sacrament that we get to partake of each week because it renews me and makes me clean. When I worthily partake of the Sacrament, I feel an increase of the spirit and feel as though I have been baptized all over again. It is a sacred ordinance, one that blesses my life greatly.
94. Worthy Priesthood Holders-I am grateful for worthy priesthood holders that can do things such as baptize, bless the sacrament, confirm someone a member of the church, perform priesthood blessings and officiate in the temple. I am grateful for the examples that I have in my life. I know better the type of man that I want to marry because of the priesthood holders that I am surrounded by. They have the power to heal and bless and act in God's name here on Earth. Thank you to all of you who have ever blessed my life in one of these ways. Your service means the world to me.
95. Prayer- I am grateful for this communication that I have with Heavenly Father. I can talk to Him about my life and things that are going well and things that aren't going so well. I am grateful that He hears and answers my prayers, most often not in the way I want them answered but yet, in the way that is best for my life.
96. Fasting- I am grateful for fasting and going without to show that I am truly reliant on the Savior. Paying a fast offering to help others is truly a blessing. Fasting brings spiritual strength and blessings.
97. Vacations- I am grateful for the opportunity that I have had on occasion to travel and visit different places and experience new ways of life. Some places make me very grateful to be where I am from.
98. Harry Potter- I am grateful for all of the many lessons that I learn in reading the Harry Potter books. I cannot wait for the final movie to be completed. I am really excited for that.
99. You- I am grateful for you that is reading this because it means we are friends in one way or another and you have touched my life.
100. Life- I am grateful for life and the opportunity that I have to be here on this Earth at this time. I am grateful for my everyday lessons and opportunities that I have to grow. I have finally taken control back of my life and am back on the path that I need to be. I have made some pretty significant changes which have been a great blessing to me and those around me.

If you made it through my list of 100 things, please leave a comment so that I know you were here. Happy Thanksgiving!

Things I Cherish

2009-10-11T17:09:00.001-07:00

What-Matters-Most

I loved this talk! It was one of my favorites. I am guilty of not telling those around me how much they truly mean to me. I wouldn't be where I am without the love and support of my family and friends. You guys mean a lot to me and I love you so much! Thanks for all of the lessons that I have learned from you. Thanks for serving me in my times of need. I appreciate you all.

We are Famous

2009-09-09T20:37:00.000-07:00

The following is a news clip from September 8, 2009. Channel 3 News came to my class to do a piece about me allowing my students to watch the President speak to them about education. They did a great job with the news feature!

Summer Recap

2009-08-29T13:13:00.000-07:00

So I have been really bad at blogging, mostly because I didn't have my computer with me all summer while I was up at EFY. I want to start talking about that. EFY was one of the best experiences that I have ever had. I learned so much about myself and others because of this experience. I learned what it is like to serve with all of your heart and go to bed feeling like you have pleased the Lord. I learned how to stretch myself and do things that I didn't think I could do but with the help of the Lord, was able to do. I grew in my knowledge of the gospel as well as in my confidence as a teacher of the gospel. I realized how much the youth of the church really know and understand. They are so strong and were such an example to me. The following are group pictures from Rexburg 4-7.

Rexburg 4
Me, Dustin Richins, and Dani Lewis
"Watch Yourselves"

Rexburg 5
Jake Leslie and I
"Be Just"

Rexburg 6
Jennifer Jackson, Tyrell Kohler and I
"Confound the Wise"

Rexburg 7
Me, Scott Sorensen, and Kayla Thompson
"Choose Liberty"

All of the Counselors during Rexburg 7
Session Director: Brother Bacon

Enchanted COW-How does she know?

2009-08-25T20:31:00.000-07:00

A bunch of crazy Rexburg EFY counselors doing a lovely rendition of How Does She Know during a dating morningside. Shout out to Brennon, Brittany and Alex for reworking the words to fit our song and to Gideon for choreographing our dance moves! We had a blast!

Be Thou an Example-Rexburg 3-EFY

2009-06-29T13:01:00.000-07:00

Last week, I completed my first week as an EFY counselor. It is hard to put into words everything that I experienced. There were times of great highs as well as low lows. I had an amazing co-counselor who helped me learn so much about EFY and the way things run. Our company was amazing. We were "Become Strong" and our scripture was Ether 12:27. I learned so much from my youth. I learned so much about myself and ways that I need to improve so that I can be a better example. This years theme scripture is 1 Timothy 4:12...Let no man despise thy youth but be thou an example of the believers in word, in conversation, in charity, in faith, in spirit, in purity. It is a great theme scripture! Our session director was Brother Greg Johnson from Utah. He was absolutely amazing! He had such a connection with the youth that really lifted and inspired them. It was an incredible experience for me and I can't wait for the rest of my weeks.

Our company! Become Strong

The girls and I. They were amazing!!

Jon and I! He is amazing!!

Me and our boys! They were great.

Brent's pink front door!

2009-06-27T19:26:00.000-07:00

My friend Ashley blogged about this a long time ago and I have been meaning to get around to it but it just hasn't happened, so I stole basically what she wrote on her blog and am putting it on mine. You all needed to be able to see what we did!

Since our friend Brent was painting his house anyways.. My friend Ashley and I decided to help him out a bit.... I know we are nice...
But he locked us out... Do you think that could stop us??

Attempt one getting on the roof...

This window seemed like the perfect idea...

Too bad it was locked ...

After I put my driving skills to use and .....

Ashley used her Diving Skills...

We were in!!!!!

Now we were ready to paint!!

Showing of the new door..

and now the finished product... Don't you love the flowers??

The Temple

2009-05-31T09:03:00.000-07:00

On Friday, May 29, Ashley and I went to the temple to do baptisms in honor of me being baptized for 5 years. Crazy! I could hardly believe it. It was a beautiful morning and I felt the Spirit so strongly. I love the temple. The tulips are all in bloom and they looked so neat with the water drops on the petals. It was a great day because it started off at the Temple of our Lord. I know it is His house.

Memorial Day Weekend

2009-05-31T08:58:00.000-07:00

For Memorial Day, I took off and headed down to Provo, Utah to spend the weekend with my old roommate Kasey. We had so much fun! We did the usual: Spaghetti Factory, Gelato, the Mall, etc. Kasey was working at the Father and Sons camp which was really awesome to see. We went to Music and the Spoken Word on Sunday morning. The US Air Force Band was the band that performed with the choir. It was the best that I had ever heard the choir. Simply amazing. Music really penetrates my heart. I had missed Kasey so much. It had been forever since I had seen her. It will probably be a long time again, unless she moves back to Utah, but I am grateful for the times that we get to spend together. I also got to go visit the Eschers, who I knew back when I first got baptized. I sure do love them and it was fun to catch up with them. It was a great weekend!

5K

2009-05-09T22:03:00.000-07:00

Hey everyone. Today, May 9, 2009 I ran and completed a 5K. It is the first 5K that I have ever run in my life. I am pretty proud of myself. I completed it in 39 minutes and 35 seconds. Pretty good for me. My goal was under 40 minutes and I beat it :) The picture below is of the cool t-shirt that we got for running (for $5). I love it!

Spirit Week

2009-05-07T19:22:00.000-07:00

This week at school, we have been celebrating Spirit Week. Monday was PJ day, Tuesday-crazy tie day, Wednesday-Goofy Day, Thursday (today) - Sports day, and Friday (tomorrow) Career Day. I wanted to share two pictures with the world so that you can experience my LOVE of Spirit Week.

This is me on crazy tie day. The flower in my hair was in honor of Cinco de Mayo. Michelle, the teacher taking the picture, made me pose that way!

This next picture is me on Goofy day. You have to love it. One pig tail and one braid. Polka dots and flowers. Stripes and diamond socks. Two different shoes. I loved goofy day in case you couldn't tell :)

Yay for Spirit Week!! Go Bulldogs!

Baptism

2009-05-02T11:58:00.001-07:00

Today, one of my 2nd grade students got baptized. One of the best things for me about having 2nd graders in my classroom is being able to attend their baptisms. They are always such special experiences for me. Today, I walked into the primary room and sat down while I was waiting for everything to get started. When I saw my little student and her dad and the rest of her family, I was chocked up with emotion. There is just something so sacred and special about baptisms. Her sister spoke about baptism and bore such sweet testimony of it. Her older brother spoke about the gift of the Holy Ghost and then got to baptize her. During this whole time, I was fighting back tears and could really just feel the Spirit so strongly. It's amazing to me that each and every baptism that I go to, I feel such warm feelings. I am always reminded about when I was baptized. I can hardly believe that it will be 5 years soon. Seems like just yesterday.

The Pasley's

2009-05-02T11:39:00.000-07:00

Once upon a time, I have this friend named Stacy who I love to pieces. I met her at BYU-Idaho a bunch of years ago when our apartments were FHE sisters. Little did I know that she would turn out to be one of my best friends. She is such a great example to me of love and service. She served a mission in Texas, Spanish Speaking, and touched so many peoples' lives. Part of the reason that Stacy is so amazing is because of the family that she comes from. Her mom and dad are both such strengths and great examples. They have had a really rough year so far but have come out triumphantly. They never gave up. As I read her mom's blog, I gained so much strength and tried to realize that my problems were nothing compared to theirs. Even when Stacy's mom was hurting and having a hard time, she still invited me over for lunch after church and was constantly doing things for other people. What a woman that Judy Pasley is! Earlier this year, she posted something on her blog about Pay it Forward. I jumped at the opportunity to do this. Judy was going to make things for 3 people and then I made things for three people and those three people would make things for three people, etc. Well, a few weeks ago, I was over at their house loading Stacy's stuff up in the back of my car to help move her to Rexburg when her mom came out with this:

Isn't is so cool? The story that is on there is the one that President Monson told at General Conference about the woman and her children who had to leave their country and how along the way, the mom had to bury her children with the spoon and eventually with just her hands. I look at this everyday and really, will never think of a spoon the same again. Thanks Judy! I love it!!

Thanks Pasley family for being so kind and loving toward me and for always taking me in when I needed some extra support and love. I love you guys!

Easter Sunday

2009-04-12T18:21:00.000-07:00

I wanted to take the opportunity on this Easter Sunday to share my testimony of my Savior Jesus Christ. I feel a renewal of faith in my Savior Jesus Christ since General Conference. I feel like I understand His role in my life better and His role in the atonement. I finally feel like I understand how it is possible for the Savior to understand me and my pains, sorrows, and afflictions. He, the Savior, did not just die for us so that our sins could be washed away. He literally died for us so that he could experience the withdrawal from our Father in Heaven and in that moment, experience ALL that we would ever have to go through here on Earth. Matthew 27:46 and Mark 15:34 both reference the scripture "My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me?" At this point, the Father's Spirit was withdrawn from the Savior so that He could experience All of our pain. I feel like I can finally say that I know the Savior lives and loves me and all of you reading this! In the best of times and in the worst of times, we can turn to the Savior who is standing at the door and knocking. All we have to do is let him in.
I would challenge all of you reading this to watch the video below. The man speaking is Elder Jeffrey R. Holland, an apostle in the church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. He is a man called of God to be a special witness of Jesus Christ and declare the Good News of the Gospel. This man and his words has spoken through the Holy Ghost have changed my life.

Titanic

2009-03-10T20:08:00.000-07:00

On Thursday, March 5, the Titanic Exhibit opened up at the Museum of Idaho. Today was educators day at the museum so we got in free. We you go in the museum you get a boarding pass to board the R.M.S. Titanic. I was a 29 year old, 3rd class passenger returning from a visit to relatives at Julita farm, Sodermanland, Sweden. (Those of you that know me well will like this next part). A few days before I planned to leave Sweden, I badly scalded my hand and forced me to cancel my originally scheduled trip and to book passage on Titanic. While aboard, I had to visit the ship's doctor every day. Go figure. Do they know me or what? Maybe I am related to this lady through family history or something :) Anyway, you should all go check out this exhibit. It is a great one!

Extravadance

2009-03-10T19:40:00.000-07:00

Last Friday, March 6th, I had the opportunity to go to Rexburg to watch some of my best friends dance in Extravadance. Their show this semester was titled The Journey-A Celebration of Life. The show was amazing. I knew it would be a great show but I didn't really know that it would be something so powerful. I am so excited for this group of people to go to Russia and share their testimonies through dance. What a powerful message they share.

I wanted to share a couple of quotes from the program that really touched me. One of my favorite talks ever was "Finding Joy in the Journey" by President Monson. I had kind of forgotten about that talk and when I heard President Monson's voice saying this quote during their performance, I was brought to tears. The quote is as follows- "I believe that among the greatest lessons we are to learn in this short sojourn upon the earth are lessons that help us distinguish between what is important and what is not. I plead with you not to let those most important things pass you by...Instead, find joy in the journey...now." Things have been really hard for me this last little while. I have been struggling in every aspect of my life and I have had to make some hard decisions. I have felt very alone in so many ways. When I heard this quote being said while these dancers were wearing white portraying the celestial kingdom, I realized that I have to go on living and find joy. If I can't find happiness and joy in this journey now, I will never be able to.

The next quote goes along with the one prior. The quote is "The strongest principle of growth lies in human choice." -George Eliot. I have realized that choice is so key in this life. It is so hard because sometimes the choices we make are so hard. Most of the time the choices we make don't just effect us either which sometimes makes it harder.

The last quote that I want to comment on is by Gordon B. Hinckley. "Life is just like an old time rail journey...delays, sidetracks, smoke, dust, cinders, and jolts, interspersed only occasionally by beautiful vistas and thrilling bursts of speed. The trick is to thank the Lord for letting you have the ride." When I read this, I was feeling this quote. I felt like my life had delays, sidetracks, smoke, dust, cinders and jolts. Then I realized that all of this "stuff" is for my good and that I really just need to look for the hand of the Lord in my life EVERYDAY. Satan is so good at what he does and if we aren't at the top of our game ALWAYS, in he comes to start twisting things and saying things like you're not good enough, no one cares, etc. and we start believing them.

Thanks Alyssa and Gideon and Tad and Deidre and everyone else for being a dancer and putting on such a great show! Go luck in Russia!

This is one of my favorite dances. That is Gideon in the blue shirt. It is a mixture of songs by Dead of Alive, Michael Jackson, Cindy Lauper, Styx, and Kenny Loggins. It is a great number!

This is a picture of Tad and his partner. He is such a fun guy to watch dance. This picture captures him in his essence.

This is a picture of Alyssa and the dance instructor. Alyssa is on the left. This number was so funny. Alyssa was hilarious to watch. She was like the rebel rouser kid who was mimicking the teacher and just causing trouble. I loved it!

This is Gideon and Alyssa in their dance. It was absolutely beautiful. I love you guys!!